Waiting on friends and family....

When you're in the business of serving people food and drinks, eventually you will have to wait on a friend or family member. Striking the right balance between professionalism and personality is always a challenge, and never more so than when you know your customer socially outside of the restaurant.

There can be an inclination towards informality when you know your customer. In our efforts to make our friend feel comfortable and not awkward about being waited on by a friend sometimes this can result in sloppy service, which is why I try to remind myself that ultimately I like this person, and I want them to have a good experience at the restaurant. I try to make my service as perfect as possible, and that is how I extend myself to a friend who is looking for a meal.

From where I stand, when you come into my restaurant and sit down at the bar, you are my customer first, and my friend second. I will not let the standard of my service slip just because we are friends. I give excellent service all day to complete strangers, why would I do any less for a friend?

That being said, it can be easy for a friend to accidentally make a server's life very difficult. Maybe they really came in to talk, not spend money. Maybe they don't realize that they are joking with you but you are in work mode, so you are not really giving as good as you're getting.

One of my least favorite moves is when a friend comes in late and hangs out until close and then tells me to let him know if he and his buddies need to go. I will not do this, because you are my customer first, and I would never tell a customer to leave. They have to leave of their own accord, when they decide it is time to go.

The problem is, since he said it's okay to kick him out, which I would never do, the friend and his buddies now feel they are in the clear to hang out and watch TV at the bar until way past the closing hour.

So if you have a friend in the service industry, and you want to have a meal and visit your friend and patronize his business, first of all thank you, and second of all, be a friend and don't put him in an awkward position by being a nightmare customer! He will grin and bear it and never say anything about it, but it's not nice!

20 % Tie Clips

One of the great things about the service industry is the people you meet. Something about waiting on the public really tends to bind together those who work to serve. On that note I would like to extend a special shout out to my co-worker Erin G who made me a 20 % tie clip. She has a fantastic blog of her own where she shows her work. She's very talented and with the holidays coming up I would suggest considering giving handmade jewelry as a gift to your friends and loved ones!

You'll find her at http://eringriffinjewelry.blogspot.com/

PDA

This is a great contribution from a good friend of mine, on a subject we have touched on here before, though perhaps not quite as hilariously....

PDA

And I'm not talking about the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture. We've all seen it, and we've all been uncomfortable. Where do you draw the line? I have, of course, been out to dinner with girlfriends and shown them affection. They are my center of attention. There might be some hand holding before the plates arrive at the table. I might squeeze a knee and wink. I even recall, under the right circumstances, loading up a nice forkful of my dish and offering it across the table for my companion to taste. That is, unless the server is present or maybe the restaurant is crowded and we just so happen to be a focal point because of our stunning goods looks and the uncontollable laughter coming from our table. But let me assure you, never, and I mean NEVER have I been involved in an unbridled make-out session in the middle of a restaurant. Now there are certain acceptable levels of PDA. Maybe the red wine has gotten to you a little bit. Maybe your lover's eyes have an extra little twinkle in them tonight. Steal a kiss, please! I am a bleeding heart romantic myself. But there are definitely boundaries.

Last week, while I was working bar, I noticed a table getting a little too affectionate. I even overheard some of the servers murmuring about it. A short while later, a server approached me and asked if one of his tables could move over to the bar. This happens from time to time and there was some sort of game on the television so I promptly agreed. The server then quietly said to me, "Sorry, man." I thought he was apologizing because they had already paid their tab and were bringing over half a bottle of wine to finish without needing (or paying for) my services. It was a pretty slow night and I wasn't concerned about them idling in my otherwise valuable real estate. Little did I know it was the make-out kids. I say "kids" but they were mid 30's to 40 and they thought the bar was their green light for a little extra freedom.

They proceeded to make a complete spectacle of themselves. Two seats over from them, I had two very well-known local bartenders, not to mention two of the best tippers that come to visit me (Thanks, guys!). Honestly, I wouldn't have minded SOME kissing going on at my bar. I can always look away or busy myself with closing duties. But it became a pretty big problem when I stopped looking at them and could still HEAR them. And I don't mean: (smooch) "You look great tonight." Or, "Holy shit, you're beautiful and I love you. Give me a kiss." I mean it sounded like an eight year old kid came in from a blizzard and his mom gave him a grilled cheese and a bowl of Campbell's tomato soup. "Slurp. Mmmm. Slurp. Oh yeah. (some more slurping, possibly some chewing) Slurp. Mmmm." I really think it was minutes away from a pubic display of affection. Yes, I spelled that right. So, of course my two regulars get a little weirded out and anybody that came over to check the score quickly noticed the wannabe Cinemax scene going on.

These are the lines I rehearsed in my head before approaching them:

"Excuse me, guys. Now, believe me, I'm very happy for how well your night is going. Matter of fact, I'm a little jealous. But it's a little too much for the fairly sophisticated dinner atmosphere that we're going for here. Maybe you could take it down a notch."

But as I readied myself for the awkward situation that was about to happen, the slurping got louder. It was pounding in my head head like Poe's Telltale Mouth. My blood pressure went up and I started putting things away by releasing them inches away from where they belonged hoping to show my displeasure for their obliviousness. Then I realized: They were, in fact, upsetting our expected level of behavior. Not to mention, they were compromising my own personal beliefs and limits. I came up with a few choice words on my way around the bar but decided to hold back.

What came out was:

"HEY. There are people TRYING to enjoy their dinner RIGHT next to you. You need to cool it."

They snapped back to reality with a shocked, almost post-coital look on their faces and quickly apologized. I only meant for them to enjoy each other a little less, finish their wine and say "Thanks, Goodnight" but they immediately left. I thought about feeling bad but it was too much and it needed to be done. I did not spend nine years in the fine dining industry to be made to feel like I was working at a drive-in.

I guess the point of my story is that people can see you. Your public displays of affection can be tasteful and even appreciated. Show your love. It might make for a great night for you, your server and even the people around you. Touch her face. Tell her she's beautiful. Tell her a joke. Maybe feed her some of your dinner. But... THERE ARE LINES! Cross them at home.

"Do you do anything special for dessert?"

The other night a customer followed a server over to the wait station and asked, "Do you do anything special for dessert?"

Observing the exchange, I wanted to tell him, yes, I do a soft-shoe tap routine and I sing happy birthday while juggling frying pans and kitchen knives. That would be pretty special, no? But of course what he was looking for was something on the house for his friend who was celebrating a birthday.

Here's the thing, though. She's YOUR friend, so why don't YOU buy her a piece of pie? Why should the restaurant buy her a dessert? We don't know her, or you, and really you shouldn't be up from your table and over here by the wait station, don't you know bad things happen when you leave the table and start wandering around?

Bottom line, we buy desserts for our friends, won't you do the same?

His server was much kinder and gently informed him that we would gladly put a candle on whatever dessert he cared to order for her, and we would bring it out unannounced after all entrees were finished and cleared. The customer returned to his table, but did not order a dessert at this time. He also joked about what a slow eater he was.

Only a few minutes later the mom at the table came over to ask the same question, and got the same answer.

This group of diners had been waiting for their table for a half hour, and the restaurant had felt some chagrin over this and had gone ahead and bought them a round of appetizers. They waited until they finished all those appetizers before they finally ordered entrees, about five minutes after the kitchen closed. Of course their order was honored and their food was prepared to the high standards of our kitchen. It was pretty late by this time, however.

To make matters worse, the gentleman who first asked about the birthday turned out to really be an extremely slow eater. His server was really wanting to clear the entrees and get dessert going since there had been a request for a candle and the kitchen was closing. Finally, at the request of the table, the server cleared the other guests and brought dessert menus.

One guy orders a piece of pie, but it is clear he is ordering it for himself, not the young lady with the birthday. She orders only a cup of coffee. So our server, who had planned to bring a birthday candle adorning some type of dessert, is in a bind.

Undaunted, and with characteristic savoir faire, he takes a birthday candle and melts the bottom of it so that he can fix it onto the handle of the coffee mug. He then brings out the young lady's coffee, and she gamely blows out the candle and makes a wish.

As the server is leaving the table, he hears the slow eater say, "Coffee with a candle? That's cheap!"

Then the same low-life asks his check to be split off and pays only for himself, not chipping in on the birthday girl's meal or anything, let alone springing for a piece of pie. Tip...not 20%

P.S. my friend made me a 20% tie clip, it is so great and I have been wearing it for work. It looks cool and it keeps my tie out of my customer's soup. I will try to get a good picture of it so I can post it....

Larry David is a big tipper!

I have to comment on the most recent episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, a show I personally enjoy frequently.

In the episode, Larry, the main character, is out for lunch with some friends. When he asks for the check, he notes that a gratuity of eighteen percent has been included. He observes that there is a line to add an additional tip, and remarks to his friends, "Am I supposed to calculate the extra two percent myself?" In the end, he decides not to leave any additional tip in protest to the included gratuity and to the math which its inclusion forces him to perform.

I think this is a valid point on his part. Larry is suggesting that a tip of eighteen percent would require additional tipping, to bring it up to twenty or twenty five percent. He's worth four hundred million dollars, he's happy to leave a thirty percent tip, but don't ask him to calculate the difference between eighteen percent and what his typical tip percentage might be.

Including the gratuity is often done at the discretion of the server, and it can be a "live by the sword die, by the sword" type of situation. On the one hand, if you have a table that has dropped some serious cash on dinner, including the gratuity can be a way to guarantee that they won't lowball you on the tip. On the other hand, a party that springs for an eighty dollar bottle of champagne might turn around and leave you a huge tip. If the gratuity is included, it can be an obstacle for a customer trying to calculate their normal tip percentage. As Larry points out, calculating two or seven percent can be tricky when you are trying to bring the total tip up to whatever your typical tip is.

I think the key here, and the reason this whole episode warms my heart, is that Larry acknowledges that eighteen percent is not an adequate tip for good service. His only issue is with the math. If the server had left off the gratuity, I feel confident Larry would have rewarded his excellent service with a tip of at least twenty percent. Having included the gratuity, the server has to be happy with what he gets.

Where is everybody?

Something that really gets me every time is when customers show up one minute after we open for business, look around the as yet empty dining room, then come out with some brilliant observation like "Where is everybody?"

You know what, everybody just called, and when they heard you were here they said they would be right down.

The thing is, we just opened. Somebody has to be the first customer of the evening. This happens every night. Don't worry, our business is doing fine, we JUST OPENED!

I don't know if these people realize how their comments come across. When they walk in and say "It's like a party that no one came to!" it sounds like they are suggesting that we have failed in some way, or that we are unloved. Nothing could be further from the truth. The fact that we get customers so immediately upon unlocking the front door suggests that we are a busy and successful restaurant.

Perhaps you would prefer that we hire actors to sit at some tables from the moment we open each night, so that you don't have to be the only customers.

Being first is a good thing, you will have our undivided attention. So relax, enjoy, don't make snarky comments!

For goodness sake, don't mention that the "parking lot is full so where is everybody?" That's a public lot, so anyone can park there. Please don't imply that somehow we have let you down by not saving you a parking place. We are not going to let you down in any way, so let's not get off on the wrong foot, folks.

We also don't want to hear "Well we had a reservation but I guess we didn't need it!" You don't know that, for all you know the entire restaurant is booked and you are merely the first to arrive. The whole place might be about to fill up, so a reservation is always a good idea. Just allow us to show you to your table, and then you can get down to the business of dining.

Also, because you are the first ones here, please don't tell the host, "I guess we can sit wherever we like!" This is no more true when you are the first ones here than it would be later on in the evening. The host will show you to your table. If you don't like it, we may choose to seat you elsewhere, but please don't mistake this generous hospitality as some sort of right that you possess. The table we put you at will be one that we choose, and you will eventually like it. That table by the window that you think you can have because you are the early birds? Sorry, it's reserved. How about this one? Great, enjoy your meal.

And for goodness sake, don't say something along the lines of, "Whoa, you guys are so dead!" This is our livelihood, so we can't easily discuss our chances of making enough money to pay our mortgage tonight. It's not funny to us, and anyway we just opened! Give the evening a chance to develop, and maybe we can talk later about the recession and the recovery and how that affects the casual fine dining market.

What are some other classic snarky comments from early customers? If you think of any, please write them in the comments below!

PS-sorry for the infrequent posts lately, I have been busy assembling cribs and moving furniture....

Table Heroes

Sometimes there is a guest at a table of diners who is determined to show everyone who is the most knowledgeable and experienced diner. We call this guy the "table hero," because sometimes he feels compelled to assert his greatness and intercede on behalf of his fellow diners.

Some of the traits that might distinguish this heroic character are:

An excessive confidence in and desire to share his knowledge of food and wine. This will be displayed through comments such as "Oh, they only have the '98 Shafer cabernet, too bad because I've had it and the '95 which is far superior!" Or they may inquire of the crabcakes, "Is that lump crab meat?" These questions and comments are as much for the benefit of the server who he is trying to dominate as they are for the guests he is trying to impress.

A tendency to interrupt is common as well. The server is halfway through the description of the duck special when the gentleman feels compelled to inquire, "Is the skin crispy?" This demonstrates his knowledge of properly cooked duck while simultaneously showing that he is uncouth and impatient and somewhat dubious about the chef's cooking skills. Of course the skin is crispy, this is a nice restaurant!

One of his worst attributes is his tendency to place himself in an adversarial relationship with the server, as if the server is trying to trick the guests into ordering something they won't like and it is up to him, the table hero, to prevent this. An excellent example is the guy who knows the restaurant well enough to know that the entrees are generously sized, and uses this information to stop others from ordering appetizers despite the server's suggestion that hungry guests might want to order something small to start with since those dishes are quick to prepare and give you something to eat while you wait. "Oh no," he might say, "Don't fall for that one, they bring you bread anyway." Thanks, dude!

This is the same guy who insists on asking if the chef/owner is there tonight, which is an obnoxious way of saying, "I know your boss." The thing is, I know my boss, too, and I know he thinks you are a tool!

The real table hero is the person who discretely approaches the server away from the table, hands him a credit card and says, "I am paying for the meal, thank you." Then he leaves a twenty percent tip. That's some heroic stuff right there.

Getting to second base at table 23...

This is a story told to me by a co-worker. I took notes so I could capture the details of a truly uncomfortable encounter. My apologies to JB if I leave out anything important.

They were the last couple of the evening, arriving at the restaurant late on a slow night. They were dutifully shown to a lovely table for two by the window. Before their server could make it over to greet them they changed to a different table, one for four with banquette seating so they could sit side by side.

Then they started making out! I mean, not just a peck and a giggle, we are talking hands moving around under the table, and full on french kissing. They got to at least second base before the server showed up with waters.

He waited patiently while they composed themselves, then began to describe the specials of the evening. The gentleman cut off his presentation, despite the lady's wish to hear the specials, and they ordered an appetizer then immediately went back to sucking face.

Somewhat chastened, the server turned and walked away to enter their order in the computer, but of course as he was walking away the gentleman yelled after him, "I'll take a coffee!"

The appetizer in hand, our hero returned to the table where this couple was still going at it like they were in a motel that rents by the half-hour. He couldn't even look at them as he set the plate down, that is how mortified he had become. They paused only long enough to order their entree. One burger to share! This is actually much cheaper than a motel room!

Let me pause for a moment to describe this couple. Early forties, academic types, he has an eyebrow piercing. The kind of people who are undoubtedly educated, but lack common sense, almost as if they are oblivious to their surroundings and therefore assume others are oblivious to their behavior.

They ate their appetizer plate while cheek to cheek, as if the sound of each other's mastication was somehow a turn on. It almost seemed like one was chewing the food and spitting it into the other's mouth, baby bird style. Mind you, the server could barely look at them because they were so completely inappropriate.

The capper is definitely after dinner, when the lady ordered a chocolate martini and then drank it while sitting in the guy's lap and basically giving him a lap dance. The only other table left at this point, walking past the couple while very deliberately keeping their eyes forward.

My friend who told me the story wondered who should be tipping who, as a show like that might cost you money in certain districts of Amsterdam or Bangkok.

Feet on furniture and other missteps....

The other night at the bar I had a gentleman put his feet up on a stool. I had served him a double when he first sat down, and he seemed genial enough, but I was beginning to wonder if he had actually been partying all evening before stopping in to visit with me. He had made a point of asking by name if the owner was working, always a power move that fails to impress me. The way I see it, if he really was friends with my boss, he wouldn't put his feet on the furniture.

I knew he planned to eat, so I attempted to take his order. He was torn between two menu items, one of which is fairly mundane, but delicious and inexpensive, the other is a more original and dare I say snazzy dish, which is always great and had been coming out particularly well that evening for whatever reason. Of course I wanted him to spend more money, but I honestly believe that if you come to the restaurant it is my job to serve you what I personally feel is the best food and drink we have that night, regardless of cost.

I said to him, "Well, it depends on whether you feel like you deserve the fancy dish tonight, or whether you think you are looking more for bang for your buck."

He informed me that he rejected the notion of anyone deserving anything and would have to decide based only on what he wanted.

I said, "Well for example I can tell you think you are pretty special because you have your feet up on the barstool!" I laughed and he laughed and he didn't move his feet. So I said:

"Don't worry, I will wipe that stool off for you after you leave so no one gets their pants dirty!"

Still not getting it, he made a comment about the fact that he had not polished his boots lately. I assured him they would not get any dirtier from being on our stools, which until recently had been very clean. He joked that he would spare me by not putting his feet on the bar, and I assured him that were he to do that I would ask him to leave. I then said point blank that in fact I would have to now ask him to kindly remove his feet from the furniture.

This dude ordered the fancy dish I was suggesting, and took his feet off the stool once my back was turned.

Later on he had spread back out all over the bar with his newspapers, which was not a problem really since we were on the slow side. He made a point of mentioning his own history within the restaurant industry as he observed that there didn't seem to be any customers inconvenienced by his taking up of extra space.

The only problem was, he had his feet up again, this time on a different stool! He asked me if that was okay, so I told him straight up that I thought I had made it clear that we preferred he not have his feet up.

He took his feet down a second time.

This was a guy who was out of the house while his wife hosted a book club, flying solo, perhaps trying to relive his younger reckless days when he put his feet up and told the Man to take a walk. The only problem is, he chose a NICE restaurant to stage his mini-rebellion. Had he gone to a legitimately dangerous bar where bad people did whatever they wanted in a consequence free environment, then probably no one would have said a word to him about his feet on the furniture. He would have just gotten shanked without any discussion.

The point is, who puts their feet up on a barstool? It's not an ottoman, it's not even that convenient or comfortable for your feet to rest on. Get serious, get over yourself and your so-called experience in the industry, and no I don't want your New York Times after you're done with it, because I read it online.

Then the dude leaves five on thirty-seven. I never forget a face, either.

Here's a classic example:

A man sits alone at a table for two. It is late, the place is near closing but not closed yet. He is waiting for his companion, who is late. He is on the phone when you approach him and place two glasses of water on the table.

"Can I get you anything else to drink?" you ask, ignoring the fact that he is on the phone.

He requests coffee and you retreat.

A couple of refills later his "friend" arrives, now only minutes before the kitchen will be closed for the evening so the hard working people can clean up and go home.

This second guy drinks white wine but wants ice cubes to put in it. What?

They order appetizers but still haven't decided what they want for entrees. Keep in mind that the first guy has been here for half an hour already! I mean, glance at the menu while you wait, for goodness sake!

Their appetizers arrive quickly, thankfully, and they order their second course. Surprise surprise, they're having appetizers for their entrees as well! That'll sure save them money!

When you bring their second course some time later, they tell you that while you were waiting in the kitchen for their hot food to be put in the window, they were flagging down the manager to suggest that you had "forgotten about them" and to ask for more bread.

When you bring the bread, you coolly assure them that you have never and will never forget about them, ever. They try to play it off like they weren't being punks.

They eat slowly, and much later when you ask if you can clear anything they ask for more bread. A third helping of bread! What?

Finally they are through with their second course, and you deftly clear all of their plates. As you are walking away, fairly burdened, you hear, "OH OH, I will have another glass of wine!"

You bring the wine and offer them dessert menus. The kitchen has been officially closed for a half hour but the staff is still there and dessert is still available. They decline the menus and barely break their conversation. You overhear something about Zarathustra. Impressive.

Okay, time goes by, time goes by, you refill waters, get another glass of wine, time goes by, then the guy with the white wine on the rocks says,

"You know what, I would like some dessert."

"Well, the kitchen has been closed for an hour, so...." is your lilting reply.

"Well is there anything left?" he asks, undaunted.

Really?

So you bring them menus and they order promptly.

When you bring the dessert, wine on the rocks guy asks for coffee, "If it's fresh."

It's eleven o'clock at night! How fresh does he think the coffee is?

You tell him honestly that it's probably not too fresh, but you could brew a fresh pot....

He takes you up on it.

WHAT? Who does that?

Coffee is brewed, coffee is served, time goes by. The place is otherwise empty, and has been for nearly an hour. Refills of coffee are served. Finally you dump the check on them a bit unceremoniously, though you do offer to split it if necessary. You run a card, bring the receipt for signature, and leave them in peace.

Time goes by, you are chatting with some co-workers who have been off work for half an hour at least. Finally the customers shuffle out, but not before joining each other in the lavatory. Doing drugs? Who can say.

Tip, 20%. Hard earned money, but it spends easy.

World's dumbest question at the host stand?

This is a story someone told me recently and it's so good I have to share it.

At a restaurant with a patio a couple has just come in the front door. They approach the host stand.

"Hi, table for two please," says the gentleman.

"Would you like to sit inside or outside?" is the host's pertinent inquiry.

"I dunno, is it hot outside?"

Host's reply, "I don't know, was it hot when you came in from outside two seconds ago?"

Hand gestures are for training animals

Let's talk for a moment about hand gestures. They are not appreciated.

If there is some information that needs to be conveyed, why not use the gift that separates us from the rest of the animals on earth, namely the ability to speak. And while you're at it, why not speak in complete sentences. And "please" and "thank you" are always a great way to get what you want.

Here are some examples of hand gestures which are common and extremely annoying.

One of my favorite is the person who walks up to the host stand with her hand outstretched and three fingers in the air. I think they are trying to tell me something about their party, but what could it be?

"Hi folks, how are you?" I ask. The person continues to hold up the hand, and then someone behind her does the same thing.

Are they waving? Is that why they have their hands up? What could they possibly be trying to say, and why not just say it with words: "Fine, thanks, we have three for dinner, please."

Another great gesture is the point to the drink glass. The server is at the table, perhaps filling waters or clearing some empty plate, when the gentleman in seat three points to his empty martini glass.

What could this mean? I think what he meant to do was actually say words which have meaning, like "I'll take another one of these, please."

Also the writing in the air gesture, to mean, "We'll take the check, please." Why not just speak, darn it?

I realize that some people gesture instead of talking because it seems expeditious. But part of the pleasure of a meal at a restaurant should be a sense of civilization and sophistication. By speaking one can show one's good breeding and genteel nature. Full sentences really show people you mean business, and being polite shows that you have a good nature.

Non-verbal communication is for animals. Speak!

Rearranging furniture is a definite no no!

Last night a group of three people decided they didn't like how their table was positioned, so instead of bringing their dissatisfaction to the attention of the staff, they decided to take matters into their own hands by moving their table. They literally picked up and moved the table!

This was wrong on many levels, as I will attempt to describe.

I guess the first thing is, when you are a guest at someone's house, you don't rearrange the furniture, do you? When you walk into a restaurant, you are a guest. One way to know this for sure is to consider the role of the host/hostess. The presence of a host implies the presence of a guest, which by process of elimination must be you, the customer. As a guest, you are entitled to a certain amount of deference to your preference, but also you are obligated to show some respect to the house.

We put that table there for a reason, and we kept that aisle clear for a reason. When you moved the table, you blocked the aisle, which created a traffic flow problem for servers with trays as well as customers trying to go to the washroom.

I mean, just thinking about it now gets me a bit irked. Who would move their table? What kind of person thinks the world revolves around them so much that they get to decide where the table goes? It is a gross misunderstanding of the concept of the customer always being right.

The customer is only always right about things he or she is buying. For example, say you order the crab cakes and you find them to be too oily. You won't get an argument, because they are your crab cakes and it is your taste buds that matter. The offending crab cakes will be removed, and you will have the option to order something else, or we will just take the entree off the bill and offer our apologies.

But you don't get to tell us you don't like the wall paint and expect us to change it for you. Don't like the decor? Well, thanks for your input, but don't expect an apology and we are not giving you a discount on your check for having to put up with the modern art on the walls. If it bothers you so much that you can't enjoy your meal, well, you will just have to find another restaurant, or perhaps open your own, and then you can design the interior to your exact wishes.

It's kind of the same thing with the table. If you don't like how the table is positioned, you can mention it, but the restaurant is not obliged to reposition it for you, because the arrangement of the tables and chairs is not on the menu. Your position as customer is not empowered to make a decision like that because there is no transactional relationship involving the table and chairs. You are not buying the furniture, so you don't get to rearrange it!

We will attempt to offer you another table if one is available, but that is a courtesy, not an obligation on our part. We promise you a table, with chairs, plus a menu of delicious food, plus a polite and professional server to facilitate your dining experience. We don't promise that the orientation of the table will conform to your personal feng shui philosophy, and you don't have the right to impose that philosophy upon us.

Any thoughts? Please write them in the comments below! And if you enjoy this blog, why not sign up as a follower? That would be so validating!

The best conversation EVER!

Sometimes at a restaurant people will have the best conversation of their lives right when you are trying to take their order. You walk up to the table, seeing the menus are closed which normally indicates that people have made their decision. Presumably they would like to order some dinner, maybe a drink, who knows? They get nothing until they tell the server, so you are there to faithfully take their order.

But right when you walk up, the dude at seat two is in the middle of the best part of the greatest story ever told. He can't stop now, this is the most exciting part! So you stand there trying to seem neutral, not eavesdropping but not ignoring. This must be a great story! He's right in the middle of it, too! The other customers see you standing there, but this guy really has the gift of gab, and what a way with words!

Sometimes I will just turn and walk away at this point. Hey, if they are not so hungry that they will pause the story to order, then I will come back later when they feel like participating in the whole "food and drink" thing that we have going on here at the restaurant.

This phenomenon is not unlike that of the person who doesn't touch their water glass until you come up with a pitcher to refill it, and then they pick it up to sip it right when you were going to top it off. What's up with that? It's like they had been abstaining from drinking it out of fear that it wouldn't be refilled, but then when they see you coming with the pitcher they are greatly relieved, and incredibly thirsty all of sudden!

The quality of the conversation often seems directly proportional to how inconvenient the timing is. For example, when the restaurant is closing and all the other patrons have left. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes the BEST CONVERSATION OF YOUR LIFE! You can't leave, this is the greatest chat of all time! Let's not let this feeling end, we don't need food or drink, all we need is to sit here at this table all night and just talk and talk and talk.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes when you are a server you have to wait for people to finish talking before they order. We are "waiters," after all. But there is a point at which it seems reasonable to find a stopping point, to press the pause button, take care of your business, then resume the conversation when the server is not standing right there.

How interesting is it, really? I mean, I like talking to my friends too, but I can usually do that while simultaneously maintaining an awareness of my surroundings. You have to ask yourself, is this story as interesting as I think, or do I just love talking? Are my fellow diners hungry? Should we order?

As always, share your comments or thoughts or stories below....

More than 3 ladies?

I hate to write badly about women, since I am one....but there are some disturbing commonalities that arise when groups of more than three ladies decide to meet at a restaurant for "girl time". It usually involves one round of drinks, birthday wishes, abandoned wrapping paper, and always camping at table for at least an hour after they've last consumed food or beverage. That might not be so bad if they were nice and conscientious, but when they ignore their server, other parties request to be moved OUT of the server's section because of the noise, and they tip less than 15%, it is a disaster.

I knew as soon as I heard it was going to be 8 ladies, Sunday evening to celebrate a birthday at 9pm (no reservation, mind you...) I should add the gratuity onto the bill. But they seemed nice enough, even though they did not break from their relentless chatter to notice I was hovering to take a drink order. As soon as I walk away from the table, the ringleader stands up and waves at me. Okay, I'm ready for duty. They order drinks, more ladies arrive and the cycle of talking and then complaining "where are our drinks?" continue as they fail to stop talking long enough to order. FINALLY, everyone has drinks, and I try to move on to food. "Oh, we already ate...we might just get some appetizers to share." You already ate? Did you fail to realize this is a restaurant where we serve....SURPRISE!...Food. Oh well, I figure, maybe they'll make it up in drinks.

One of the ladies who arrived later also brought a cake in a box. I offer to move it off the table and they're all smiles and appreciative. I explain to the lady we do have a $2 per person plate charge, and she asks if they can just cut it themselves at the table. I explain that this is our policy when customer's bring in their own cake, just as we charge a corkage fee, when people bring in their own bottles of wine. She seemed disappointed, but accepted this.

So, they eventually order 2 appetizers. I eventually clear. The cake lady leaves without the cake. I ask the ringleader if they're ready for the cake now. She says yes. I put in candles, I light them and bring it out, they sing "Happy Birthday" to the gleeful birthday girl, she blows them out and they all clap and laugh. Meanwhile, a two-top has requested to move out of my section because the ladies are so loud.

I take the cake into the kitchen, divide it into 8 pieces and serve. They eat, talk, and sit some more. I clear cake plates and ask it they would like anything else. No, they say. Now would be the optimal time to have my manager add on the 18% gratuity we can add to parties of five or more. But, their bill is only $155 and I figure they'll treat me right. Never assume anything.

Of course it takes them forever to pass the bill book around and put in money or their credit cards. I offer to split the check for them and they shoo me away. Finally they're ready, there's cash to deduct and then three credit cards to split the remainder among, something I hate due to the cash people's tip being lost in this process (See 20percent posting "Put the rest on the card"). I ask if the cash includes gratuity, they say yes. I head over to the computer and hear mumblings and grumblings from the ladies....I walk back over...."If it would be easier for you I can add on an 18% gratuity?" I say. They say no, they can figure out the gratuity, but they were wondering about the plate charge fee. I explain that the restaurant charges a $2 per plate fee when customers bring in their own cake, just as we also charge for corkage. As they start to complain that no one told them I say "I did explain this to the lady who brought the cake; I'm sorry she did not let you know about it." And they make jokes how they're going to call her up and make her pay it. Ha, ha, ha...

So I run the cards deposit them at the table, and hope they leave somewhat soon as it's already close to 11pm. They eventually leave and my manager and another waiter help me bus the table. I count my tip...what this all comes down too. If they tip me 20% or more, it's somehow worth it...maybe not worth it, but I can stomach it alright. If it's less.......well.....

You already know it....it's less. They left me a $24 tip. If I had added the 18% gratuity on it would have been $29. So $5...big deal...right? I can say that now, but that night it made me feel so bad...so small...so insignificant. I know, I know, I shouldn't let it get to me...I'm probably too sensitive to be doing this type of work. But that's what also makes me a great waitress, which most people appreciate, and know how to convey their thankfulness by tipping at least 20%.

Is a restaurant still open after the kitchen has closed?

Recently a customer asked me, "What time do you guys close?"

We had in fact been closed for more than an hour at this point, which made it an awkward question to answer. I boldly forged ahead, remarking that it really poses the question, is a restaurant still open after the kitchen closes?

The kitchen has clearly posted hours. They are our hours of operation, and they are printed on both doors. However, the front of the house is in an awkward position in terms of trying to close a restaurant when two customers are still at their table and they are having the best conversation of their lives!

The kitchen produces food, which is at the center of what we do as a restaurant. Without that it's kind of like a shoe store being open but not having shoes to sell. You can come inside to get out of the rain, and you can even sit at a table and maybe get one more round out of the bartender. That's if your shoe store even has a bartender!

So here is the question: Does a restaurant turn into some kind of hang out lounge after the kitchen closes? The type of place where you can be the only customer but it's totally cool, they would be here anyway because they are still open?

Or is it closed?

If a place is closed, is it up to the customer to make that decision? Or do we have some authority as front of the house staff to kindly inform people that the place is closing and they will have to continue the greatest conversation ever somewhere else.

Don't these people know that a venue change can really spark up the conversation anyway?

As always, I crave your input so please leave your thoughts in the comments below.

This blog is looking for your contribution!

This is from a subscriber who asked not to be named....

Okay folks, my thoughts on being flagged down from afar. 

Let me first say that I am completely aware of your presence, you are a table that is seated in my section. Rapidly flailing your arms at me does not change my ability to properly serve you. In fact I'm usually already on the way with whatever it is you think you need.

Come on folks, I'm a total professional. 

Also let's keep in mind that you are not my only table and if you keep pestering me and waving it's only going to slow the whole process down. Also try and remember my face, if nothing else, since when you wave at anyone that happens to be wearing a waiter uniform you may in fact be flagging down the wrong person!

Trust the fact that we will be attentive to your needs and keep your hands, arms, legs and the rest of your body in your chair, and enjoy yourself.

PS when you ask me to "check on your food" do you really think that I forgot to order it, and that this is the reminder I need to ensure your meal gets cooked? I'll bring it when it's ready! Thanks guys.

Sent from my iPhone

"Give me a bottle of your best wine!"

The other night a customer got up from their seat and walked over to the wait station.  This is never a good sign.  

Not seeing his server, the customer began speaking to me and one other server who were nearby.

"We have a birthday going on, give me a bottle of your best wine," he said to neither of us in particular.

This request really told me everything I needed to know about the dude's taste in wine.  Specifically, if you want the "best" wine we have, you clearly know very little about wine and probably just want to impress somebody.  Who knows, the person you want to impress might even be me, your faithful server.  

So I rather sadistically pointed him to the most expensive wine on the list, a Super Tuscan, figuring what the hell, the guy wants the best, that probably means the most expensive to his way of thinking.  "Best" is otherwise fairly meaningless when there are countless different types of wines, all with their own qualities which make them excellent in different ways.  In all fairness, that Super Tuscan would be delicious, and if money were no object it might indeed be my personal favorite, even if I wouldn't use the term "best" to describe it.  

The customer didn't buy the most expensive wine I pointed out to him at one hundred and forty bucks, but did get one just a few lines up at one hundred and ten.  This was an excellent bottle of Brunello di Montalcino, certainly fairly priced but almost as certainly way more than what this fellow was planning on spending when he made the mistake of walking over to the wait station and soliciting help from busy servers who were not his own.  

This is just another reason why it is so important, as a customer, to keep your arms and legs inside your table at all times, and to not wander around the restaurant into areas in which you don't belong.  Some smart ass may take you for a hundred bucks, and your wife will yell at you when she sees the credit card statement!

"Put the rest on the card!"

Allow me to clarify a matter which seems to confuse many patrons, much to the dismay of their faithful servers.

If you are with some friends, and you get the check and some of you have cash and one person has a debit or credit card, there can be some confusion regarding the gratuity.

Each person totals what they think they owe, and calculates the tip, then puts that amount of cash in the check presenter booklet.  The holder of the card puts his card in the booklet along with the cash.

The server comes up.  "Is this all set?" he asks kindly.

"Yes," is the reply, "Put the rest on the card."

The server at this point is a bit wary.  Here is why.

He will go to the computer, subtract mentally or with a calculator the amount of cash received from the total owed, then charge the debit or credit card for the remainder.  Due to the fact that the people at the table with cash included their tip in the cash they put in the book, the remaining amount charged on the card will actually be less than what the cardholder owes. 

Then the server will put the card, the two copies of the charge receipt and the itemized bill showing the total cost of the meal in the check presenter and bring it back to the table.  

"Thank you for coming in, have a good night, folks," he might say, setting the check presenter and a nice pen down on the table.

Then the cardholder opens the booklet and very thoughtfully adds a tip in the amount of twenty percent of what his card was charged.

Since the cash in the booklet has already been weighed against the balance, this means that the only tip received for the entire table is the tip the cardholder put on an amount which actually was far less than what he alone owed!

The other patrons with cash have in effect been stymied in their efforts to leave a good tip.  Their tip money was already accounted for, and the cardholder has been charged very little because after all that cash was subtracted, the total remainder might be only a few dollars.  In effect, the cardholder owes more money for his meal, plus whatever tip he would like to leave on that amount.  

This may seem obscure, but it happens ALL the time, to smart patrons, not to mention their equally smart servers.  

If you have a solution or any thoughts, from the perspective of the customer or the server, please write them in the comments below.

maybe we should rename the blog 50 percent....

So I know this may seem slightly out of character, but recently a customer did something so right that it caught me off guard and I have to mention it. 

This was a table that I had been warned about.  Maybe it's just me, but when I know someone is trouble it can cause me to tense up just a little, and then miscommunications or hostility can ensue.  

So I felt I was potentially taking the highway to the danger zone.  

Well, these folks had all the classic symptoms.  They arrived two at a time for a party of four, and when I greeted the first people they did not require anything from me and had in fact brought their own wine.  They needed the specials repeated to them, they asked me my name, they ordered appetizers but waited to order entrees.  They put their menus on the neighboring table.  They asked for things when I was carrying hot food past them to another table.  It was somebody's birthday.

Through all this I was very nice to them, and while demanding they were not at all unkind to me.

Then, end of the meal, dude leaves a fifty percent tip.  So it just goes to show, sometimes when someone is extra demanding they understand that and actually reflect it in your compensation.

  

Really an affirmation of the human race, I would say. 

"How do you remember all that?"

Sometimes after I tell a table the specials, I get the following question:

"How do you remember all that?"

The customer is amazed that I can memorize a two to three line description for three or four different dishes.  

It's not that hard, people.  First of all, I am at work right now, so there is a certain level of concentration that can be taken for granted.  I am sure you are excellent at your job, too!  

Honestly, a monkey could do this!  Don't give me too much credit here, people!  

Essentially, memorizing the specials is part of my job, so I kind of have to do it.  So I guess the answer to how I do it is that I think about my mortgage and about how I like to eat food and have money, and then I do what people have been doing for generations in this post-industrial revolution economy.  I do what I have to do.  

I appreciate the fact that you are impressed and everything, but let's all just assume from this point forward that I am excellent at serving you dinner, and that excellence will shine in every aspect of your experience here tonight.  I didn't just walk in off the street, memorize the specials, and walk over to your table.  

As I have said before, you are in the hands of a professional, so relax and have a good time.

Oh, and leave a 20 percent tip, yo!

Tag and release

I'd like to propose a new program for uncooperative customers.  It's called tag and release.

Have you ever watched the nature shows, where they capture a polar bear, tranquilize it, weigh it, check its teeth, tag it and release it back into the wild so they can track its movements using a sensor in the tag?

That's the basic idea.  So the next time you have rude customer, just get your tranquilizer gun, knock 'em out, and clip a harmless plastic tag with a remote sensor to their his (or her) ear.  It doesn't harm them, but it allows as to gain some insight into their movements and habits.

My theory is that there are a relatively small number of annoying people, but they make their presence felt more than others because of their being so darn annoying.  Maybe they come have a drink with me, bum me out, walk down the block and eat dinner with someone else, ruining their evening, before having dessert at a third location where they make someone cry and then camp out all night.  Then they probably run a stop sign on the way home and give some other driver the finger.  

We will never know for sure until we are able to study these people, and track their movements.  What makes them tick?  Why do they have to tick us off?  Can they please tick somewhere else, like at home?

The tag doesn't harm them at all, you understand.  We are nothing if not humane.  But science requires subjects, and we can not shrink from our role to play in the advancement of human knowledge. 

If you have any suggestions that could make this dream a reality, please write them in the comments below.

Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times

  I would not recommend touching strangers.  This includes your server!  Now, a friendly pat on the back on the way out the door accompanied by a "Thanks we had a great time!" is fine from time to time.  At that point there is some rapport and a touch meant kindly can be a nice thing.

Of course a handshake is always appropriate.

But let me just say that a tug on the shirt or a grasp of the arm is not welcome, and can be downright dangerous depending on the paranoia/martial arts training of your server!  

Let's assume that I won't touch you, and you won't touch me, and I will be nice and bring you delicious food, and you will be nice and have a good time.  There's no need to get to know each other better, especially not via unsolicited physical contact.

I mean, you have to want more coffee pretty bad to grab my arm as I'm walking by carrying an armload of dishes from another table, right?  

Who are these people?  Is this how they treat their doctor?  Or their children's teacher?  

To reach out and touch someone in a demanding way is very rude, and it is behavior that should not be rewarded.  We all have to prioritize tasks on a busy night.  There might be a list of five things you need to do, and you've got them all in order of importance and grouped into tasks that can be combined or done at the same time.  Whatever that impatient customer wants, it is probably already on the list.  

Well, one tug on the shirt or arm grab should be all it takes to put that at the bottom of the list. 

If you have a good story about a touchy/grabby customer, please write about it in the comments below!!!!!

20 Percent has contributors!

I'd like to share some thoughts from some other contributors.  These stories were originally posted on the 20 percent facebook page, but I thought I would put them up here so everyone could enjoy them!

From my friend Denise:

Okay girls, lets talk about purses. Is it really neccesary to hang your 10lb purse on the back of your chair? You do realize that people have to walk past you carrying hot and cold items right? Is it such a crime to actually place your purse on the floor next to your chair? Not in the middle of the floor, not in the walk way that everyone has to use and not gaping open with handles 1 foot on either side waiting to cause an accident. Just neatly out of the way.

Okay, so you don't realize that you have made a faux paus. When it is knocked into you for the 10th time, please don't turn to the person and make a face, it's not their fault, it's yours, just remove it ok? Look around you. Pay attention, you might learn something

She goes on:

me: "what can I get for you?"
customer: "Do you have any egg white omelettes? I'm trying to go vegan"
Brunch, always a treat . . .

From my friend Justin:

 It was time to prepare a check for my last table of the night, a group of seven academic colleagues. They requested that I itemize the check seven ways. The restaurant closed an hour earlier and the computer system needed to be replaced. So I got their attention and explained,

"I can separate your checks individually, but our computer takes up to seven minutes to process just one credit card. Seven credit cards at seven minutes a-piece is forty-nine minutes. Forty-nine minutes will pass before all your payments are processed. If you have cash, it'll speed things up. Everybody understand?"

They all nodded. I presented the checks and retrieved them... All credit-card payments. I processed the first one and presented it seven minutes later. Another guest raised his arm and waved it as I went to wait for another to process, I turned and faced him.

He half-stood in a hurry and blurted, "Where's my credit card!?"

The average tip was around 12%... Jaded.

From my friend Sarah:

So last night my last table came in at 9:30pm. They hemmed and hawed about wine and then the lady wasn't happy with her well vodka martini (Lukasova...come on!?!!) "it has a funny taste to it". amazingly she didn't want to pay for an upgrade. well they ordered a salad and a spaghetti squash because it "looked exciting". They drew that out for at least an hour. They were cleared and paid up by 10:30pm at which time every one else in the restaurant was gone. I cleared some settings, took away a few candles...kept checking on them. They finally left at 11:20pm...tip: not 20%.

Thanks to all the contributors, look for more soon!!!!

"But I will need my fork for my entree!"

I am a professional.  That means you don't have to worry about whether you will have a fork by the time your entree arrives.  So when I clear your salad plate, and your fork is still on it, and I take the fork with me, please don't point out that you will need it to eat your entree.

I use forks to eat, too.  I know how useful they are.  I am not going to make you eat pasta with your hands and a butter knife.  Just as I will bring you a steak knife if you are eating steak, so I will provide you with every utensil you need to eat whatever it is you are eating.  

We have an entire restaurant's worth of forks!  I take your fork to the kitchen, where a professional dishwasher washes it and sanitizes it, then it rejoins the great ocean of forks that we keep on hand at all times.  Meanwhile, I will be bringing you a clean fork to eat your dinner with, and a clean knife if you have soiled the first one with butter or appetizer.  Now isn't that nice?  

So just relax, you are in good hands.  It is my job to provide you with cutlery, bread, your meal and a pleasant demeanor.  Your job is simple.  Eat your food, enjoy your company, and leave me a twenty percent tip!

"I'm just giving you a hard time."

Has anyone ever told you, "I'm just giving you a hard time"?  What is the deal with that?

First of all, I know you're giving me a hard time.  I know that the unreasonable requests you are making will not be met.  I know that this conversation is going nowhere, because frankly you are up against a brick wall here.

So when you tell me you are just giving me a hard time, is that supposed to soften the blow?  Is that supposed to be a nod and a wink along the lines of "we're all friends here"?  Because it's not working!

I know you're giving me a hard time!  And it's not fun or funny to me, because I have other things to do than stand here and bat around crazy notions about how you might run a restaurant if you owned/ran one.  

Why would you give me a hard time?  I'm nice, I work hard, I want you to be happy.  But you have to understand that we have policies which exist for a reason, and we can't (and won't!) just change them every time some pushy patron suggests we do so.  So please just skip the part where you give me a hard time, and get right to the part where you sit down, order drinks, appetizers, entrees and dessert, then tip the server twenty freaking percent!!!!

"Are you my friend?"

In the state where I live, a law requires that all hamburgers be cooked to 160 degrees fahrenheit.  That is known as medium-well, and while there may be some pink in the very center of your burger, it will not be as luscious and pink and juicy as some people prefer.  

Thanks a lot to the industrial food complex for making a lot of ground beef unsafe to eat medium rare!  Some people like their burgers well done, but many burger connoiseurs, including myself, would rather skip the burger if we can't have it pink and juicy (dare I say red and juicy).

Now there is a little known fact about burgers and restaurants.  Some restaurants will cook you a burger the way you want it, regardless of the legality of that action.  

I waited on this couple a while back, and we had a delightful exchange on the subject.  

The gentleman ordered the burger (always a little bit of a buzzkill since it is for sure the cheapest entree option), and then rather gruffly he said to me,

"Can I get that medium rare?"

Let me just clarify, he didn't say it very nicely.  He said it with the tone of one who has been frustrated in the past, and feels that a global conspiracy is working to deprive him and him alone of the pink juicy burgers he requires.  A conspiracy of restaurant servers, perhaps.  

I took my customary deep breath, allowing his own rudeness to hang in the air for a moment.  Then I told him about the state law, with a gleam of "you're not getting what you want" in my eye.  I then told him that sometimes, on behalf of my friends, I could put in a good word with the grill guy and he might "accidentally" take the burger off the grill before it was dried out and legal to serve.  Then I asked him,

"Are you my friend?"

His surly manner disappeared, as he realized that far from being his servant, I was actually his host on a journey of deliciousness.  His burger was how he wanted it, and his tip was 20 percent.

"I hope that's on a scale of one to three!"

One of the most thankless jobs in a restaurant is that of the host(ess).  You dress nice, try to present a pleasing and professional appearance for the benefit of the recently arrived customers.  You see them walk in the door and approach the host stand.  

Now is your big moment.

"Hi folks," you say, smiling sweetly, "How are you all tonight?"

"Three" is the grim reply, with barely a second of eye contact.  

This is  a classic moment in customer/server interaction.  You asked them a direct question looking for an answer along the lines of "Fine thanks, we have a party of three for dinner, please."

Instead you have been given a numerical answer to a question that really requires a qualitative description.  In fact your question has been brushed aside as irrelevant to the business at hand, namely the quantity of people in the party.  

But is there not more to life than business?  Is there no place for niceness in the arena of commerce?  Can we not observe the bare minimum of social graces in our interactions?  Can we not share our humanity for an instant?

That's why when I ask people how they are doing, and they respond, "Three," I like to say,

 "Well, I hope that's on a scale of one to three!"

Usually this is like talking to one of the heads on Easter Island.  You can be as witty as you like and they still just stand there staring blankly ahead.  Every now and then you might get a glimmer of recognition, like they are thinking "Oh, what did they ask me?"  Sometimes people even laugh and may even apologize for not answering your question more appropriately.

Regardless the reaction of the customer, I never fail to get a laugh from the co-workers, and lets face it, sometimes that's all you got!

this is not a national park, folks, so please stop camping

Does anyone have a solution to the whole camping phenomenon?

You know, when a group of diners has finished their meal, enjoyed some coffee or after dinner drinks, then sits there forever just sipping their waters and talking?  It's like they are going to pull out sleeping bags and spend the night!  

I must say I know it is probably not ill will on their part towards you that keeps them there.  In fact, they probably have forgotten all about you.  Nevertheless, your professional code of conduct fairly well requires you to stay there until they leave.  They may not realize this, and are quite inadvertently inconveniencing you.  There may be a gap in understanding.  How can we resolve this?

There are a few moves I have tried:

You can bring them the check.  They may think it is pretty rude of you to bring it without their having requested it.  They may quite willfully ignore the check booklet.  You are now pretty much helpless, so this is not a great move to make unless you have reason to believe they will pay promptly, allowing you to close out with the computer and potentially bounce.  

You can ask ever so sweetly, "May I bring you folks anything else tonight?"  This may remind the customers of your presence/existence, and may shake them from their dream-state enough to realize that the place is totally deserted except for them.  Or they may just ask for more water, which is not what you want at all!

You can totally ignore them, allow their water to run out, turn off all the lights in the rest of the place, blow out all the candles except theirs, turn off the music, loudly take out the recycling, talk to the bartender in a loud voice about the class you have in the morning, or the band practice you need to attend that evening.  

Yet they still may be completely oblivious.  

One technique I have seen work is called salting the table.  You get a handful of salt, and just walk past the table subtly sprinking the salt on the floor as you go by.  I can't explain why this work, but I have seen it in action and can testify to its apparent success.  

If you have any good techniques to make people stop camping out at their table, please write about it in the comments!!!!!!!

overheard at a table

Tonight I overheard a conversation at a table which chilled me to the bone, as I am sure it will do for you.

A man was dining with his young kids and some other adults.  When their server presented the check, the man took that opportunity to have a teachable moment with his kids.

"See, son, this is how you calculate fifteen percent.  You take ten percent, then add half of that and there you have it!"  

I wanted to say, you are only contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and creating a future bad tipper.  Obviously this guy doesn't follow this blog!

"I'll take lemon for my water."

What is up with lemon in your water?  Does it really taste that great?  I mean, if it comes with the water, then fine, enjoy it.  But is it really worth asking your busy server to make a special trip just to bring you a slice of lemon?  Does lemon water taste so much better than water?

Does the flavor of lemon in your water make it pair better with food?  I think not.  If anything it distorts the flavors on your plate.

Water should be neutral, that is the idea.  It should cleanse your palette, not inform it with another kind of acidic flavor.

The earth is 75% water, our bodies are as well.  Just regular water, no lemon!  Who could argue with that?  When you drink water, you are a part of a huge cycle of evaporation and condensation that has been going on for billions of years.  All without the addition of a single !@#$% lemon!

But you are fancy so you need lemon for your precious free water, is that right?  

You know what really tastes better than water?  Wine, beer or a cocktail.  Try it.

who are we and what are we here for?

This is the first post, to get the ball rolling and introduce ourselves.  This blog is dedicated to the men and women in the service industry, or as I like to call it, "the industry."  

Everyday we experience the absurd behavior of people who have no thought for our welfare, no concern for how they may appear to us, in fact seem determined to piss us off and be as self-centered as possible.  They are our customers, and to them we may not exist except as a means to an end, whether it's eggs benedict or a dirty martini.  We may seem like an obstacle to their enjoyment, though we really just want them to have a good time and help us pay our bills.  

We all need to blow off steam from time to time, and what better way than to share our stories with people who appreciate them and us.  Namely, each other.  SO......

If you just got home from work and the obnoxious comment from the annoying older dude at table twelve is still ringing in your ears, please let us in on it!  We want to know!  What's the most ridiculous reason you've had a plate of food sent back?  What is the rudest way to answer the question, "How are you folks doing, tonight?"  

For example:

A few years back  we received a comment card from a semi-regular customer.  He explained that every time he came to our restaurant, the same bad thing always happened.  He said he would always wonder, "will it happen this time?"  And sure enough it always would, and it happened again tonight and he was never coming back.  

He never mentioned what the thing was!  

So then this year he showed up again, and when he was brought his cocktail he made his displeasure known, even mentioning that he had left a comment card about how this always happened.  

The server told the manager, who turned to me and said, "I bet its that guy that left that card that time!"

I knew exactly who he meant, and we realized we were about to find out what it was that had always irked him so much.  

The problem, dear reader, was that we have larger martini glasses than some bars or restaurants he is used to, and a standard (3 0z) martini does not fill our glass exactly to the rim.  He didn't think he was getting less liquor, he just preferred the look of a smaller martini glass and suggested that we get some.  

And we just may, if only to bring one out to him the next time he comes in. 

So there you go, if you have a funny story please share it, if not, leave a comment and let us know what you think!

By the way, the title of the blog should be self-evident to anyone in the industry.  If you don't get it, ask your server or bartender!