Here's a classic example:

A man sits alone at a table for two. It is late, the place is near closing but not closed yet. He is waiting for his companion, who is late. He is on the phone when you approach him and place two glasses of water on the table.

"Can I get you anything else to drink?" you ask, ignoring the fact that he is on the phone.

He requests coffee and you retreat.

A couple of refills later his "friend" arrives, now only minutes before the kitchen will be closed for the evening so the hard working people can clean up and go home.

This second guy drinks white wine but wants ice cubes to put in it. What?

They order appetizers but still haven't decided what they want for entrees. Keep in mind that the first guy has been here for half an hour already! I mean, glance at the menu while you wait, for goodness sake!

Their appetizers arrive quickly, thankfully, and they order their second course. Surprise surprise, they're having appetizers for their entrees as well! That'll sure save them money!

When you bring their second course some time later, they tell you that while you were waiting in the kitchen for their hot food to be put in the window, they were flagging down the manager to suggest that you had "forgotten about them" and to ask for more bread.

When you bring the bread, you coolly assure them that you have never and will never forget about them, ever. They try to play it off like they weren't being punks.

They eat slowly, and much later when you ask if you can clear anything they ask for more bread. A third helping of bread! What?

Finally they are through with their second course, and you deftly clear all of their plates. As you are walking away, fairly burdened, you hear, "OH OH, I will have another glass of wine!"

You bring the wine and offer them dessert menus. The kitchen has been officially closed for a half hour but the staff is still there and dessert is still available. They decline the menus and barely break their conversation. You overhear something about Zarathustra. Impressive.

Okay, time goes by, time goes by, you refill waters, get another glass of wine, time goes by, then the guy with the white wine on the rocks says,

"You know what, I would like some dessert."

"Well, the kitchen has been closed for an hour, so...." is your lilting reply.

"Well is there anything left?" he asks, undaunted.

Really?

So you bring them menus and they order promptly.

When you bring the dessert, wine on the rocks guy asks for coffee, "If it's fresh."

It's eleven o'clock at night! How fresh does he think the coffee is?

You tell him honestly that it's probably not too fresh, but you could brew a fresh pot....

He takes you up on it.

WHAT? Who does that?

Coffee is brewed, coffee is served, time goes by. The place is otherwise empty, and has been for nearly an hour. Refills of coffee are served. Finally you dump the check on them a bit unceremoniously, though you do offer to split it if necessary. You run a card, bring the receipt for signature, and leave them in peace.

Time goes by, you are chatting with some co-workers who have been off work for half an hour at least. Finally the customers shuffle out, but not before joining each other in the lavatory. Doing drugs? Who can say.

Tip, 20%. Hard earned money, but it spends easy.

World's dumbest question at the host stand?

This is a story someone told me recently and it's so good I have to share it.

At a restaurant with a patio a couple has just come in the front door. They approach the host stand.

"Hi, table for two please," says the gentleman.

"Would you like to sit inside or outside?" is the host's pertinent inquiry.

"I dunno, is it hot outside?"

Host's reply, "I don't know, was it hot when you came in from outside two seconds ago?"

Hand gestures are for training animals

Let's talk for a moment about hand gestures. They are not appreciated.

If there is some information that needs to be conveyed, why not use the gift that separates us from the rest of the animals on earth, namely the ability to speak. And while you're at it, why not speak in complete sentences. And "please" and "thank you" are always a great way to get what you want.

Here are some examples of hand gestures which are common and extremely annoying.

One of my favorite is the person who walks up to the host stand with her hand outstretched and three fingers in the air. I think they are trying to tell me something about their party, but what could it be?

"Hi folks, how are you?" I ask. The person continues to hold up the hand, and then someone behind her does the same thing.

Are they waving? Is that why they have their hands up? What could they possibly be trying to say, and why not just say it with words: "Fine, thanks, we have three for dinner, please."

Another great gesture is the point to the drink glass. The server is at the table, perhaps filling waters or clearing some empty plate, when the gentleman in seat three points to his empty martini glass.

What could this mean? I think what he meant to do was actually say words which have meaning, like "I'll take another one of these, please."

Also the writing in the air gesture, to mean, "We'll take the check, please." Why not just speak, darn it?

I realize that some people gesture instead of talking because it seems expeditious. But part of the pleasure of a meal at a restaurant should be a sense of civilization and sophistication. By speaking one can show one's good breeding and genteel nature. Full sentences really show people you mean business, and being polite shows that you have a good nature.

Non-verbal communication is for animals. Speak!

Rearranging furniture is a definite no no!

Last night a group of three people decided they didn't like how their table was positioned, so instead of bringing their dissatisfaction to the attention of the staff, they decided to take matters into their own hands by moving their table. They literally picked up and moved the table!

This was wrong on many levels, as I will attempt to describe.

I guess the first thing is, when you are a guest at someone's house, you don't rearrange the furniture, do you? When you walk into a restaurant, you are a guest. One way to know this for sure is to consider the role of the host/hostess. The presence of a host implies the presence of a guest, which by process of elimination must be you, the customer. As a guest, you are entitled to a certain amount of deference to your preference, but also you are obligated to show some respect to the house.

We put that table there for a reason, and we kept that aisle clear for a reason. When you moved the table, you blocked the aisle, which created a traffic flow problem for servers with trays as well as customers trying to go to the washroom.

I mean, just thinking about it now gets me a bit irked. Who would move their table? What kind of person thinks the world revolves around them so much that they get to decide where the table goes? It is a gross misunderstanding of the concept of the customer always being right.

The customer is only always right about things he or she is buying. For example, say you order the crab cakes and you find them to be too oily. You won't get an argument, because they are your crab cakes and it is your taste buds that matter. The offending crab cakes will be removed, and you will have the option to order something else, or we will just take the entree off the bill and offer our apologies.

But you don't get to tell us you don't like the wall paint and expect us to change it for you. Don't like the decor? Well, thanks for your input, but don't expect an apology and we are not giving you a discount on your check for having to put up with the modern art on the walls. If it bothers you so much that you can't enjoy your meal, well, you will just have to find another restaurant, or perhaps open your own, and then you can design the interior to your exact wishes.

It's kind of the same thing with the table. If you don't like how the table is positioned, you can mention it, but the restaurant is not obliged to reposition it for you, because the arrangement of the tables and chairs is not on the menu. Your position as customer is not empowered to make a decision like that because there is no transactional relationship involving the table and chairs. You are not buying the furniture, so you don't get to rearrange it!

We will attempt to offer you another table if one is available, but that is a courtesy, not an obligation on our part. We promise you a table, with chairs, plus a menu of delicious food, plus a polite and professional server to facilitate your dining experience. We don't promise that the orientation of the table will conform to your personal feng shui philosophy, and you don't have the right to impose that philosophy upon us.

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