Where is everybody?

Something that really gets me every time is when customers show up one minute after we open for business, look around the as yet empty dining room, then come out with some brilliant observation like "Where is everybody?"

You know what, everybody just called, and when they heard you were here they said they would be right down.

The thing is, we just opened. Somebody has to be the first customer of the evening. This happens every night. Don't worry, our business is doing fine, we JUST OPENED!

I don't know if these people realize how their comments come across. When they walk in and say "It's like a party that no one came to!" it sounds like they are suggesting that we have failed in some way, or that we are unloved. Nothing could be further from the truth. The fact that we get customers so immediately upon unlocking the front door suggests that we are a busy and successful restaurant.

Perhaps you would prefer that we hire actors to sit at some tables from the moment we open each night, so that you don't have to be the only customers.

Being first is a good thing, you will have our undivided attention. So relax, enjoy, don't make snarky comments!

For goodness sake, don't mention that the "parking lot is full so where is everybody?" That's a public lot, so anyone can park there. Please don't imply that somehow we have let you down by not saving you a parking place. We are not going to let you down in any way, so let's not get off on the wrong foot, folks.

We also don't want to hear "Well we had a reservation but I guess we didn't need it!" You don't know that, for all you know the entire restaurant is booked and you are merely the first to arrive. The whole place might be about to fill up, so a reservation is always a good idea. Just allow us to show you to your table, and then you can get down to the business of dining.

Also, because you are the first ones here, please don't tell the host, "I guess we can sit wherever we like!" This is no more true when you are the first ones here than it would be later on in the evening. The host will show you to your table. If you don't like it, we may choose to seat you elsewhere, but please don't mistake this generous hospitality as some sort of right that you possess. The table we put you at will be one that we choose, and you will eventually like it. That table by the window that you think you can have because you are the early birds? Sorry, it's reserved. How about this one? Great, enjoy your meal.

And for goodness sake, don't say something along the lines of, "Whoa, you guys are so dead!" This is our livelihood, so we can't easily discuss our chances of making enough money to pay our mortgage tonight. It's not funny to us, and anyway we just opened! Give the evening a chance to develop, and maybe we can talk later about the recession and the recovery and how that affects the casual fine dining market.

What are some other classic snarky comments from early customers? If you think of any, please write them in the comments below!

PS-sorry for the infrequent posts lately, I have been busy assembling cribs and moving furniture....