maybe we should rename the blog 50 percent....

So I know this may seem slightly out of character, but recently a customer did something so right that it caught me off guard and I have to mention it. 

This was a table that I had been warned about.  Maybe it's just me, but when I know someone is trouble it can cause me to tense up just a little, and then miscommunications or hostility can ensue.  

So I felt I was potentially taking the highway to the danger zone.  

Well, these folks had all the classic symptoms.  They arrived two at a time for a party of four, and when I greeted the first people they did not require anything from me and had in fact brought their own wine.  They needed the specials repeated to them, they asked me my name, they ordered appetizers but waited to order entrees.  They put their menus on the neighboring table.  They asked for things when I was carrying hot food past them to another table.  It was somebody's birthday.

Through all this I was very nice to them, and while demanding they were not at all unkind to me.

Then, end of the meal, dude leaves a fifty percent tip.  So it just goes to show, sometimes when someone is extra demanding they understand that and actually reflect it in your compensation.

  

Really an affirmation of the human race, I would say. 

"How do you remember all that?"

Sometimes after I tell a table the specials, I get the following question:

"How do you remember all that?"

The customer is amazed that I can memorize a two to three line description for three or four different dishes.  

It's not that hard, people.  First of all, I am at work right now, so there is a certain level of concentration that can be taken for granted.  I am sure you are excellent at your job, too!  

Honestly, a monkey could do this!  Don't give me too much credit here, people!  

Essentially, memorizing the specials is part of my job, so I kind of have to do it.  So I guess the answer to how I do it is that I think about my mortgage and about how I like to eat food and have money, and then I do what people have been doing for generations in this post-industrial revolution economy.  I do what I have to do.  

I appreciate the fact that you are impressed and everything, but let's all just assume from this point forward that I am excellent at serving you dinner, and that excellence will shine in every aspect of your experience here tonight.  I didn't just walk in off the street, memorize the specials, and walk over to your table.  

As I have said before, you are in the hands of a professional, so relax and have a good time.

Oh, and leave a 20 percent tip, yo!

Tag and release

I'd like to propose a new program for uncooperative customers.  It's called tag and release.

Have you ever watched the nature shows, where they capture a polar bear, tranquilize it, weigh it, check its teeth, tag it and release it back into the wild so they can track its movements using a sensor in the tag?

That's the basic idea.  So the next time you have rude customer, just get your tranquilizer gun, knock 'em out, and clip a harmless plastic tag with a remote sensor to their his (or her) ear.  It doesn't harm them, but it allows as to gain some insight into their movements and habits.

My theory is that there are a relatively small number of annoying people, but they make their presence felt more than others because of their being so darn annoying.  Maybe they come have a drink with me, bum me out, walk down the block and eat dinner with someone else, ruining their evening, before having dessert at a third location where they make someone cry and then camp out all night.  Then they probably run a stop sign on the way home and give some other driver the finger.  

We will never know for sure until we are able to study these people, and track their movements.  What makes them tick?  Why do they have to tick us off?  Can they please tick somewhere else, like at home?

The tag doesn't harm them at all, you understand.  We are nothing if not humane.  But science requires subjects, and we can not shrink from our role to play in the advancement of human knowledge. 

If you have any suggestions that could make this dream a reality, please write them in the comments below.

Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times

  I would not recommend touching strangers.  This includes your server!  Now, a friendly pat on the back on the way out the door accompanied by a "Thanks we had a great time!" is fine from time to time.  At that point there is some rapport and a touch meant kindly can be a nice thing.

Of course a handshake is always appropriate.

But let me just say that a tug on the shirt or a grasp of the arm is not welcome, and can be downright dangerous depending on the paranoia/martial arts training of your server!  

Let's assume that I won't touch you, and you won't touch me, and I will be nice and bring you delicious food, and you will be nice and have a good time.  There's no need to get to know each other better, especially not via unsolicited physical contact.

I mean, you have to want more coffee pretty bad to grab my arm as I'm walking by carrying an armload of dishes from another table, right?  

Who are these people?  Is this how they treat their doctor?  Or their children's teacher?  

To reach out and touch someone in a demanding way is very rude, and it is behavior that should not be rewarded.  We all have to prioritize tasks on a busy night.  There might be a list of five things you need to do, and you've got them all in order of importance and grouped into tasks that can be combined or done at the same time.  Whatever that impatient customer wants, it is probably already on the list.  

Well, one tug on the shirt or arm grab should be all it takes to put that at the bottom of the list. 

If you have a good story about a touchy/grabby customer, please write about it in the comments below!!!!!

20 Percent has contributors!

I'd like to share some thoughts from some other contributors.  These stories were originally posted on the 20 percent facebook page, but I thought I would put them up here so everyone could enjoy them!

From my friend Denise:

Okay girls, lets talk about purses. Is it really neccesary to hang your 10lb purse on the back of your chair? You do realize that people have to walk past you carrying hot and cold items right? Is it such a crime to actually place your purse on the floor next to your chair? Not in the middle of the floor, not in the walk way that everyone has to use and not gaping open with handles 1 foot on either side waiting to cause an accident. Just neatly out of the way.

Okay, so you don't realize that you have made a faux paus. When it is knocked into you for the 10th time, please don't turn to the person and make a face, it's not their fault, it's yours, just remove it ok? Look around you. Pay attention, you might learn something

She goes on:

me: "what can I get for you?"
customer: "Do you have any egg white omelettes? I'm trying to go vegan"
Brunch, always a treat . . .

From my friend Justin:

 It was time to prepare a check for my last table of the night, a group of seven academic colleagues. They requested that I itemize the check seven ways. The restaurant closed an hour earlier and the computer system needed to be replaced. So I got their attention and explained,

"I can separate your checks individually, but our computer takes up to seven minutes to process just one credit card. Seven credit cards at seven minutes a-piece is forty-nine minutes. Forty-nine minutes will pass before all your payments are processed. If you have cash, it'll speed things up. Everybody understand?"

They all nodded. I presented the checks and retrieved them... All credit-card payments. I processed the first one and presented it seven minutes later. Another guest raised his arm and waved it as I went to wait for another to process, I turned and faced him.

He half-stood in a hurry and blurted, "Where's my credit card!?"

The average tip was around 12%... Jaded.

From my friend Sarah:

So last night my last table came in at 9:30pm. They hemmed and hawed about wine and then the lady wasn't happy with her well vodka martini (Lukasova...come on!?!!) "it has a funny taste to it". amazingly she didn't want to pay for an upgrade. well they ordered a salad and a spaghetti squash because it "looked exciting". They drew that out for at least an hour. They were cleared and paid up by 10:30pm at which time every one else in the restaurant was gone. I cleared some settings, took away a few candles...kept checking on them. They finally left at 11:20pm...tip: not 20%.

Thanks to all the contributors, look for more soon!!!!

"But I will need my fork for my entree!"

I am a professional.  That means you don't have to worry about whether you will have a fork by the time your entree arrives.  So when I clear your salad plate, and your fork is still on it, and I take the fork with me, please don't point out that you will need it to eat your entree.

I use forks to eat, too.  I know how useful they are.  I am not going to make you eat pasta with your hands and a butter knife.  Just as I will bring you a steak knife if you are eating steak, so I will provide you with every utensil you need to eat whatever it is you are eating.  

We have an entire restaurant's worth of forks!  I take your fork to the kitchen, where a professional dishwasher washes it and sanitizes it, then it rejoins the great ocean of forks that we keep on hand at all times.  Meanwhile, I will be bringing you a clean fork to eat your dinner with, and a clean knife if you have soiled the first one with butter or appetizer.  Now isn't that nice?  

So just relax, you are in good hands.  It is my job to provide you with cutlery, bread, your meal and a pleasant demeanor.  Your job is simple.  Eat your food, enjoy your company, and leave me a twenty percent tip!

"I'm just giving you a hard time."

Has anyone ever told you, "I'm just giving you a hard time"?  What is the deal with that?

First of all, I know you're giving me a hard time.  I know that the unreasonable requests you are making will not be met.  I know that this conversation is going nowhere, because frankly you are up against a brick wall here.

So when you tell me you are just giving me a hard time, is that supposed to soften the blow?  Is that supposed to be a nod and a wink along the lines of "we're all friends here"?  Because it's not working!

I know you're giving me a hard time!  And it's not fun or funny to me, because I have other things to do than stand here and bat around crazy notions about how you might run a restaurant if you owned/ran one.  

Why would you give me a hard time?  I'm nice, I work hard, I want you to be happy.  But you have to understand that we have policies which exist for a reason, and we can't (and won't!) just change them every time some pushy patron suggests we do so.  So please just skip the part where you give me a hard time, and get right to the part where you sit down, order drinks, appetizers, entrees and dessert, then tip the server twenty freaking percent!!!!

"Are you my friend?"

In the state where I live, a law requires that all hamburgers be cooked to 160 degrees fahrenheit.  That is known as medium-well, and while there may be some pink in the very center of your burger, it will not be as luscious and pink and juicy as some people prefer.  

Thanks a lot to the industrial food complex for making a lot of ground beef unsafe to eat medium rare!  Some people like their burgers well done, but many burger connoiseurs, including myself, would rather skip the burger if we can't have it pink and juicy (dare I say red and juicy).

Now there is a little known fact about burgers and restaurants.  Some restaurants will cook you a burger the way you want it, regardless of the legality of that action.  

I waited on this couple a while back, and we had a delightful exchange on the subject.  

The gentleman ordered the burger (always a little bit of a buzzkill since it is for sure the cheapest entree option), and then rather gruffly he said to me,

"Can I get that medium rare?"

Let me just clarify, he didn't say it very nicely.  He said it with the tone of one who has been frustrated in the past, and feels that a global conspiracy is working to deprive him and him alone of the pink juicy burgers he requires.  A conspiracy of restaurant servers, perhaps.  

I took my customary deep breath, allowing his own rudeness to hang in the air for a moment.  Then I told him about the state law, with a gleam of "you're not getting what you want" in my eye.  I then told him that sometimes, on behalf of my friends, I could put in a good word with the grill guy and he might "accidentally" take the burger off the grill before it was dried out and legal to serve.  Then I asked him,

"Are you my friend?"

His surly manner disappeared, as he realized that far from being his servant, I was actually his host on a journey of deliciousness.  His burger was how he wanted it, and his tip was 20 percent.

"I hope that's on a scale of one to three!"

One of the most thankless jobs in a restaurant is that of the host(ess).  You dress nice, try to present a pleasing and professional appearance for the benefit of the recently arrived customers.  You see them walk in the door and approach the host stand.  

Now is your big moment.

"Hi folks," you say, smiling sweetly, "How are you all tonight?"

"Three" is the grim reply, with barely a second of eye contact.  

This is  a classic moment in customer/server interaction.  You asked them a direct question looking for an answer along the lines of "Fine thanks, we have a party of three for dinner, please."

Instead you have been given a numerical answer to a question that really requires a qualitative description.  In fact your question has been brushed aside as irrelevant to the business at hand, namely the quantity of people in the party.  

But is there not more to life than business?  Is there no place for niceness in the arena of commerce?  Can we not observe the bare minimum of social graces in our interactions?  Can we not share our humanity for an instant?

That's why when I ask people how they are doing, and they respond, "Three," I like to say,

 "Well, I hope that's on a scale of one to three!"

Usually this is like talking to one of the heads on Easter Island.  You can be as witty as you like and they still just stand there staring blankly ahead.  Every now and then you might get a glimmer of recognition, like they are thinking "Oh, what did they ask me?"  Sometimes people even laugh and may even apologize for not answering your question more appropriately.

Regardless the reaction of the customer, I never fail to get a laugh from the co-workers, and lets face it, sometimes that's all you got!

this is not a national park, folks, so please stop camping

Does anyone have a solution to the whole camping phenomenon?

You know, when a group of diners has finished their meal, enjoyed some coffee or after dinner drinks, then sits there forever just sipping their waters and talking?  It's like they are going to pull out sleeping bags and spend the night!  

I must say I know it is probably not ill will on their part towards you that keeps them there.  In fact, they probably have forgotten all about you.  Nevertheless, your professional code of conduct fairly well requires you to stay there until they leave.  They may not realize this, and are quite inadvertently inconveniencing you.  There may be a gap in understanding.  How can we resolve this?

There are a few moves I have tried:

You can bring them the check.  They may think it is pretty rude of you to bring it without their having requested it.  They may quite willfully ignore the check booklet.  You are now pretty much helpless, so this is not a great move to make unless you have reason to believe they will pay promptly, allowing you to close out with the computer and potentially bounce.  

You can ask ever so sweetly, "May I bring you folks anything else tonight?"  This may remind the customers of your presence/existence, and may shake them from their dream-state enough to realize that the place is totally deserted except for them.  Or they may just ask for more water, which is not what you want at all!

You can totally ignore them, allow their water to run out, turn off all the lights in the rest of the place, blow out all the candles except theirs, turn off the music, loudly take out the recycling, talk to the bartender in a loud voice about the class you have in the morning, or the band practice you need to attend that evening.  

Yet they still may be completely oblivious.  

One technique I have seen work is called salting the table.  You get a handful of salt, and just walk past the table subtly sprinking the salt on the floor as you go by.  I can't explain why this work, but I have seen it in action and can testify to its apparent success.  

If you have any good techniques to make people stop camping out at their table, please write about it in the comments!!!!!!!

overheard at a table

Tonight I overheard a conversation at a table which chilled me to the bone, as I am sure it will do for you.

A man was dining with his young kids and some other adults.  When their server presented the check, the man took that opportunity to have a teachable moment with his kids.

"See, son, this is how you calculate fifteen percent.  You take ten percent, then add half of that and there you have it!"  

I wanted to say, you are only contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and creating a future bad tipper.  Obviously this guy doesn't follow this blog!

"I'll take lemon for my water."

What is up with lemon in your water?  Does it really taste that great?  I mean, if it comes with the water, then fine, enjoy it.  But is it really worth asking your busy server to make a special trip just to bring you a slice of lemon?  Does lemon water taste so much better than water?

Does the flavor of lemon in your water make it pair better with food?  I think not.  If anything it distorts the flavors on your plate.

Water should be neutral, that is the idea.  It should cleanse your palette, not inform it with another kind of acidic flavor.

The earth is 75% water, our bodies are as well.  Just regular water, no lemon!  Who could argue with that?  When you drink water, you are a part of a huge cycle of evaporation and condensation that has been going on for billions of years.  All without the addition of a single !@#$% lemon!

But you are fancy so you need lemon for your precious free water, is that right?  

You know what really tastes better than water?  Wine, beer or a cocktail.  Try it.

who are we and what are we here for?

This is the first post, to get the ball rolling and introduce ourselves.  This blog is dedicated to the men and women in the service industry, or as I like to call it, "the industry."  

Everyday we experience the absurd behavior of people who have no thought for our welfare, no concern for how they may appear to us, in fact seem determined to piss us off and be as self-centered as possible.  They are our customers, and to them we may not exist except as a means to an end, whether it's eggs benedict or a dirty martini.  We may seem like an obstacle to their enjoyment, though we really just want them to have a good time and help us pay our bills.  

We all need to blow off steam from time to time, and what better way than to share our stories with people who appreciate them and us.  Namely, each other.  SO......

If you just got home from work and the obnoxious comment from the annoying older dude at table twelve is still ringing in your ears, please let us in on it!  We want to know!  What's the most ridiculous reason you've had a plate of food sent back?  What is the rudest way to answer the question, "How are you folks doing, tonight?"  

For example:

A few years back  we received a comment card from a semi-regular customer.  He explained that every time he came to our restaurant, the same bad thing always happened.  He said he would always wonder, "will it happen this time?"  And sure enough it always would, and it happened again tonight and he was never coming back.  

He never mentioned what the thing was!  

So then this year he showed up again, and when he was brought his cocktail he made his displeasure known, even mentioning that he had left a comment card about how this always happened.  

The server told the manager, who turned to me and said, "I bet its that guy that left that card that time!"

I knew exactly who he meant, and we realized we were about to find out what it was that had always irked him so much.  

The problem, dear reader, was that we have larger martini glasses than some bars or restaurants he is used to, and a standard (3 0z) martini does not fill our glass exactly to the rim.  He didn't think he was getting less liquor, he just preferred the look of a smaller martini glass and suggested that we get some.  

And we just may, if only to bring one out to him the next time he comes in. 

So there you go, if you have a funny story please share it, if not, leave a comment and let us know what you think!

By the way, the title of the blog should be self-evident to anyone in the industry.  If you don't get it, ask your server or bartender!