Getting to second base at table 23...

This is a story told to me by a co-worker. I took notes so I could capture the details of a truly uncomfortable encounter. My apologies to JB if I leave out anything important.

They were the last couple of the evening, arriving at the restaurant late on a slow night. They were dutifully shown to a lovely table for two by the window. Before their server could make it over to greet them they changed to a different table, one for four with banquette seating so they could sit side by side.

Then they started making out! I mean, not just a peck and a giggle, we are talking hands moving around under the table, and full on french kissing. They got to at least second base before the server showed up with waters.

He waited patiently while they composed themselves, then began to describe the specials of the evening. The gentleman cut off his presentation, despite the lady's wish to hear the specials, and they ordered an appetizer then immediately went back to sucking face.

Somewhat chastened, the server turned and walked away to enter their order in the computer, but of course as he was walking away the gentleman yelled after him, "I'll take a coffee!"

The appetizer in hand, our hero returned to the table where this couple was still going at it like they were in a motel that rents by the half-hour. He couldn't even look at them as he set the plate down, that is how mortified he had become. They paused only long enough to order their entree. One burger to share! This is actually much cheaper than a motel room!

Let me pause for a moment to describe this couple. Early forties, academic types, he has an eyebrow piercing. The kind of people who are undoubtedly educated, but lack common sense, almost as if they are oblivious to their surroundings and therefore assume others are oblivious to their behavior.

They ate their appetizer plate while cheek to cheek, as if the sound of each other's mastication was somehow a turn on. It almost seemed like one was chewing the food and spitting it into the other's mouth, baby bird style. Mind you, the server could barely look at them because they were so completely inappropriate.

The capper is definitely after dinner, when the lady ordered a chocolate martini and then drank it while sitting in the guy's lap and basically giving him a lap dance. The only other table left at this point, walking past the couple while very deliberately keeping their eyes forward.

My friend who told me the story wondered who should be tipping who, as a show like that might cost you money in certain districts of Amsterdam or Bangkok.