The best conversation EVER!

Sometimes at a restaurant people will have the best conversation of their lives right when you are trying to take their order. You walk up to the table, seeing the menus are closed which normally indicates that people have made their decision. Presumably they would like to order some dinner, maybe a drink, who knows? They get nothing until they tell the server, so you are there to faithfully take their order.

But right when you walk up, the dude at seat two is in the middle of the best part of the greatest story ever told. He can't stop now, this is the most exciting part! So you stand there trying to seem neutral, not eavesdropping but not ignoring. This must be a great story! He's right in the middle of it, too! The other customers see you standing there, but this guy really has the gift of gab, and what a way with words!

Sometimes I will just turn and walk away at this point. Hey, if they are not so hungry that they will pause the story to order, then I will come back later when they feel like participating in the whole "food and drink" thing that we have going on here at the restaurant.

This phenomenon is not unlike that of the person who doesn't touch their water glass until you come up with a pitcher to refill it, and then they pick it up to sip it right when you were going to top it off. What's up with that? It's like they had been abstaining from drinking it out of fear that it wouldn't be refilled, but then when they see you coming with the pitcher they are greatly relieved, and incredibly thirsty all of sudden!

The quality of the conversation often seems directly proportional to how inconvenient the timing is. For example, when the restaurant is closing and all the other patrons have left. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes the BEST CONVERSATION OF YOUR LIFE! You can't leave, this is the greatest chat of all time! Let's not let this feeling end, we don't need food or drink, all we need is to sit here at this table all night and just talk and talk and talk.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes when you are a server you have to wait for people to finish talking before they order. We are "waiters," after all. But there is a point at which it seems reasonable to find a stopping point, to press the pause button, take care of your business, then resume the conversation when the server is not standing right there.

How interesting is it, really? I mean, I like talking to my friends too, but I can usually do that while simultaneously maintaining an awareness of my surroundings. You have to ask yourself, is this story as interesting as I think, or do I just love talking? Are my fellow diners hungry? Should we order?

As always, share your comments or thoughts or stories below....

More than 3 ladies?

I hate to write badly about women, since I am one....but there are some disturbing commonalities that arise when groups of more than three ladies decide to meet at a restaurant for "girl time". It usually involves one round of drinks, birthday wishes, abandoned wrapping paper, and always camping at table for at least an hour after they've last consumed food or beverage. That might not be so bad if they were nice and conscientious, but when they ignore their server, other parties request to be moved OUT of the server's section because of the noise, and they tip less than 15%, it is a disaster.

I knew as soon as I heard it was going to be 8 ladies, Sunday evening to celebrate a birthday at 9pm (no reservation, mind you...) I should add the gratuity onto the bill. But they seemed nice enough, even though they did not break from their relentless chatter to notice I was hovering to take a drink order. As soon as I walk away from the table, the ringleader stands up and waves at me. Okay, I'm ready for duty. They order drinks, more ladies arrive and the cycle of talking and then complaining "where are our drinks?" continue as they fail to stop talking long enough to order. FINALLY, everyone has drinks, and I try to move on to food. "Oh, we already ate...we might just get some appetizers to share." You already ate? Did you fail to realize this is a restaurant where we serve....SURPRISE!...Food. Oh well, I figure, maybe they'll make it up in drinks.

One of the ladies who arrived later also brought a cake in a box. I offer to move it off the table and they're all smiles and appreciative. I explain to the lady we do have a $2 per person plate charge, and she asks if they can just cut it themselves at the table. I explain that this is our policy when customer's bring in their own cake, just as we charge a corkage fee, when people bring in their own bottles of wine. She seemed disappointed, but accepted this.

So, they eventually order 2 appetizers. I eventually clear. The cake lady leaves without the cake. I ask the ringleader if they're ready for the cake now. She says yes. I put in candles, I light them and bring it out, they sing "Happy Birthday" to the gleeful birthday girl, she blows them out and they all clap and laugh. Meanwhile, a two-top has requested to move out of my section because the ladies are so loud.

I take the cake into the kitchen, divide it into 8 pieces and serve. They eat, talk, and sit some more. I clear cake plates and ask it they would like anything else. No, they say. Now would be the optimal time to have my manager add on the 18% gratuity we can add to parties of five or more. But, their bill is only $155 and I figure they'll treat me right. Never assume anything.

Of course it takes them forever to pass the bill book around and put in money or their credit cards. I offer to split the check for them and they shoo me away. Finally they're ready, there's cash to deduct and then three credit cards to split the remainder among, something I hate due to the cash people's tip being lost in this process (See 20percent posting "Put the rest on the card"). I ask if the cash includes gratuity, they say yes. I head over to the computer and hear mumblings and grumblings from the ladies....I walk back over...."If it would be easier for you I can add on an 18% gratuity?" I say. They say no, they can figure out the gratuity, but they were wondering about the plate charge fee. I explain that the restaurant charges a $2 per plate fee when customers bring in their own cake, just as we also charge for corkage. As they start to complain that no one told them I say "I did explain this to the lady who brought the cake; I'm sorry she did not let you know about it." And they make jokes how they're going to call her up and make her pay it. Ha, ha, ha...

So I run the cards deposit them at the table, and hope they leave somewhat soon as it's already close to 11pm. They eventually leave and my manager and another waiter help me bus the table. I count my tip...what this all comes down too. If they tip me 20% or more, it's somehow worth it...maybe not worth it, but I can stomach it alright. If it's less.......well.....

You already know it....it's less. They left me a $24 tip. If I had added the 18% gratuity on it would have been $29. So $5...big deal...right? I can say that now, but that night it made me feel so bad...so small...so insignificant. I know, I know, I shouldn't let it get to me...I'm probably too sensitive to be doing this type of work. But that's what also makes me a great waitress, which most people appreciate, and know how to convey their thankfulness by tipping at least 20%.

Is a restaurant still open after the kitchen has closed?

Recently a customer asked me, "What time do you guys close?"

We had in fact been closed for more than an hour at this point, which made it an awkward question to answer. I boldly forged ahead, remarking that it really poses the question, is a restaurant still open after the kitchen closes?

The kitchen has clearly posted hours. They are our hours of operation, and they are printed on both doors. However, the front of the house is in an awkward position in terms of trying to close a restaurant when two customers are still at their table and they are having the best conversation of their lives!

The kitchen produces food, which is at the center of what we do as a restaurant. Without that it's kind of like a shoe store being open but not having shoes to sell. You can come inside to get out of the rain, and you can even sit at a table and maybe get one more round out of the bartender. That's if your shoe store even has a bartender!

So here is the question: Does a restaurant turn into some kind of hang out lounge after the kitchen closes? The type of place where you can be the only customer but it's totally cool, they would be here anyway because they are still open?

Or is it closed?

If a place is closed, is it up to the customer to make that decision? Or do we have some authority as front of the house staff to kindly inform people that the place is closing and they will have to continue the greatest conversation ever somewhere else.

Don't these people know that a venue change can really spark up the conversation anyway?

As always, I crave your input so please leave your thoughts in the comments below.

This blog is looking for your contribution!

This is from a subscriber who asked not to be named....

Okay folks, my thoughts on being flagged down from afar. 

Let me first say that I am completely aware of your presence, you are a table that is seated in my section. Rapidly flailing your arms at me does not change my ability to properly serve you. In fact I'm usually already on the way with whatever it is you think you need.

Come on folks, I'm a total professional. 

Also let's keep in mind that you are not my only table and if you keep pestering me and waving it's only going to slow the whole process down. Also try and remember my face, if nothing else, since when you wave at anyone that happens to be wearing a waiter uniform you may in fact be flagging down the wrong person!

Trust the fact that we will be attentive to your needs and keep your hands, arms, legs and the rest of your body in your chair, and enjoy yourself.

PS when you ask me to "check on your food" do you really think that I forgot to order it, and that this is the reminder I need to ensure your meal gets cooked? I'll bring it when it's ready! Thanks guys.

Sent from my iPhone

"Give me a bottle of your best wine!"

The other night a customer got up from their seat and walked over to the wait station.  This is never a good sign.  

Not seeing his server, the customer began speaking to me and one other server who were nearby.

"We have a birthday going on, give me a bottle of your best wine," he said to neither of us in particular.

This request really told me everything I needed to know about the dude's taste in wine.  Specifically, if you want the "best" wine we have, you clearly know very little about wine and probably just want to impress somebody.  Who knows, the person you want to impress might even be me, your faithful server.  

So I rather sadistically pointed him to the most expensive wine on the list, a Super Tuscan, figuring what the hell, the guy wants the best, that probably means the most expensive to his way of thinking.  "Best" is otherwise fairly meaningless when there are countless different types of wines, all with their own qualities which make them excellent in different ways.  In all fairness, that Super Tuscan would be delicious, and if money were no object it might indeed be my personal favorite, even if I wouldn't use the term "best" to describe it.  

The customer didn't buy the most expensive wine I pointed out to him at one hundred and forty bucks, but did get one just a few lines up at one hundred and ten.  This was an excellent bottle of Brunello di Montalcino, certainly fairly priced but almost as certainly way more than what this fellow was planning on spending when he made the mistake of walking over to the wait station and soliciting help from busy servers who were not his own.  

This is just another reason why it is so important, as a customer, to keep your arms and legs inside your table at all times, and to not wander around the restaurant into areas in which you don't belong.  Some smart ass may take you for a hundred bucks, and your wife will yell at you when she sees the credit card statement!

"Put the rest on the card!"

Allow me to clarify a matter which seems to confuse many patrons, much to the dismay of their faithful servers.

If you are with some friends, and you get the check and some of you have cash and one person has a debit or credit card, there can be some confusion regarding the gratuity.

Each person totals what they think they owe, and calculates the tip, then puts that amount of cash in the check presenter booklet.  The holder of the card puts his card in the booklet along with the cash.

The server comes up.  "Is this all set?" he asks kindly.

"Yes," is the reply, "Put the rest on the card."

The server at this point is a bit wary.  Here is why.

He will go to the computer, subtract mentally or with a calculator the amount of cash received from the total owed, then charge the debit or credit card for the remainder.  Due to the fact that the people at the table with cash included their tip in the cash they put in the book, the remaining amount charged on the card will actually be less than what the cardholder owes. 

Then the server will put the card, the two copies of the charge receipt and the itemized bill showing the total cost of the meal in the check presenter and bring it back to the table.  

"Thank you for coming in, have a good night, folks," he might say, setting the check presenter and a nice pen down on the table.

Then the cardholder opens the booklet and very thoughtfully adds a tip in the amount of twenty percent of what his card was charged.

Since the cash in the booklet has already been weighed against the balance, this means that the only tip received for the entire table is the tip the cardholder put on an amount which actually was far less than what he alone owed!

The other patrons with cash have in effect been stymied in their efforts to leave a good tip.  Their tip money was already accounted for, and the cardholder has been charged very little because after all that cash was subtracted, the total remainder might be only a few dollars.  In effect, the cardholder owes more money for his meal, plus whatever tip he would like to leave on that amount.  

This may seem obscure, but it happens ALL the time, to smart patrons, not to mention their equally smart servers.  

If you have a solution or any thoughts, from the perspective of the customer or the server, please write them in the comments below.