Here's a classic example:

A man sits alone at a table for two. It is late, the place is near closing but not closed yet. He is waiting for his companion, who is late. He is on the phone when you approach him and place two glasses of water on the table.

"Can I get you anything else to drink?" you ask, ignoring the fact that he is on the phone.

He requests coffee and you retreat.

A couple of refills later his "friend" arrives, now only minutes before the kitchen will be closed for the evening so the hard working people can clean up and go home.

This second guy drinks white wine but wants ice cubes to put in it. What?

They order appetizers but still haven't decided what they want for entrees. Keep in mind that the first guy has been here for half an hour already! I mean, glance at the menu while you wait, for goodness sake!

Their appetizers arrive quickly, thankfully, and they order their second course. Surprise surprise, they're having appetizers for their entrees as well! That'll sure save them money!

When you bring their second course some time later, they tell you that while you were waiting in the kitchen for their hot food to be put in the window, they were flagging down the manager to suggest that you had "forgotten about them" and to ask for more bread.

When you bring the bread, you coolly assure them that you have never and will never forget about them, ever. They try to play it off like they weren't being punks.

They eat slowly, and much later when you ask if you can clear anything they ask for more bread. A third helping of bread! What?

Finally they are through with their second course, and you deftly clear all of their plates. As you are walking away, fairly burdened, you hear, "OH OH, I will have another glass of wine!"

You bring the wine and offer them dessert menus. The kitchen has been officially closed for a half hour but the staff is still there and dessert is still available. They decline the menus and barely break their conversation. You overhear something about Zarathustra. Impressive.

Okay, time goes by, time goes by, you refill waters, get another glass of wine, time goes by, then the guy with the white wine on the rocks says,

"You know what, I would like some dessert."

"Well, the kitchen has been closed for an hour, so...." is your lilting reply.

"Well is there anything left?" he asks, undaunted.

Really?

So you bring them menus and they order promptly.

When you bring the dessert, wine on the rocks guy asks for coffee, "If it's fresh."

It's eleven o'clock at night! How fresh does he think the coffee is?

You tell him honestly that it's probably not too fresh, but you could brew a fresh pot....

He takes you up on it.

WHAT? Who does that?

Coffee is brewed, coffee is served, time goes by. The place is otherwise empty, and has been for nearly an hour. Refills of coffee are served. Finally you dump the check on them a bit unceremoniously, though you do offer to split it if necessary. You run a card, bring the receipt for signature, and leave them in peace.

Time goes by, you are chatting with some co-workers who have been off work for half an hour at least. Finally the customers shuffle out, but not before joining each other in the lavatory. Doing drugs? Who can say.

Tip, 20%. Hard earned money, but it spends easy.

World's dumbest question at the host stand?

This is a story someone told me recently and it's so good I have to share it.

At a restaurant with a patio a couple has just come in the front door. They approach the host stand.

"Hi, table for two please," says the gentleman.

"Would you like to sit inside or outside?" is the host's pertinent inquiry.

"I dunno, is it hot outside?"

Host's reply, "I don't know, was it hot when you came in from outside two seconds ago?"

Hand gestures are for training animals

Let's talk for a moment about hand gestures. They are not appreciated.

If there is some information that needs to be conveyed, why not use the gift that separates us from the rest of the animals on earth, namely the ability to speak. And while you're at it, why not speak in complete sentences. And "please" and "thank you" are always a great way to get what you want.

Here are some examples of hand gestures which are common and extremely annoying.

One of my favorite is the person who walks up to the host stand with her hand outstretched and three fingers in the air. I think they are trying to tell me something about their party, but what could it be?

"Hi folks, how are you?" I ask. The person continues to hold up the hand, and then someone behind her does the same thing.

Are they waving? Is that why they have their hands up? What could they possibly be trying to say, and why not just say it with words: "Fine, thanks, we have three for dinner, please."

Another great gesture is the point to the drink glass. The server is at the table, perhaps filling waters or clearing some empty plate, when the gentleman in seat three points to his empty martini glass.

What could this mean? I think what he meant to do was actually say words which have meaning, like "I'll take another one of these, please."

Also the writing in the air gesture, to mean, "We'll take the check, please." Why not just speak, darn it?

I realize that some people gesture instead of talking because it seems expeditious. But part of the pleasure of a meal at a restaurant should be a sense of civilization and sophistication. By speaking one can show one's good breeding and genteel nature. Full sentences really show people you mean business, and being polite shows that you have a good nature.

Non-verbal communication is for animals. Speak!

Rearranging furniture is a definite no no!

Last night a group of three people decided they didn't like how their table was positioned, so instead of bringing their dissatisfaction to the attention of the staff, they decided to take matters into their own hands by moving their table. They literally picked up and moved the table!

This was wrong on many levels, as I will attempt to describe.

I guess the first thing is, when you are a guest at someone's house, you don't rearrange the furniture, do you? When you walk into a restaurant, you are a guest. One way to know this for sure is to consider the role of the host/hostess. The presence of a host implies the presence of a guest, which by process of elimination must be you, the customer. As a guest, you are entitled to a certain amount of deference to your preference, but also you are obligated to show some respect to the house.

We put that table there for a reason, and we kept that aisle clear for a reason. When you moved the table, you blocked the aisle, which created a traffic flow problem for servers with trays as well as customers trying to go to the washroom.

I mean, just thinking about it now gets me a bit irked. Who would move their table? What kind of person thinks the world revolves around them so much that they get to decide where the table goes? It is a gross misunderstanding of the concept of the customer always being right.

The customer is only always right about things he or she is buying. For example, say you order the crab cakes and you find them to be too oily. You won't get an argument, because they are your crab cakes and it is your taste buds that matter. The offending crab cakes will be removed, and you will have the option to order something else, or we will just take the entree off the bill and offer our apologies.

But you don't get to tell us you don't like the wall paint and expect us to change it for you. Don't like the decor? Well, thanks for your input, but don't expect an apology and we are not giving you a discount on your check for having to put up with the modern art on the walls. If it bothers you so much that you can't enjoy your meal, well, you will just have to find another restaurant, or perhaps open your own, and then you can design the interior to your exact wishes.

It's kind of the same thing with the table. If you don't like how the table is positioned, you can mention it, but the restaurant is not obliged to reposition it for you, because the arrangement of the tables and chairs is not on the menu. Your position as customer is not empowered to make a decision like that because there is no transactional relationship involving the table and chairs. You are not buying the furniture, so you don't get to rearrange it!

We will attempt to offer you another table if one is available, but that is a courtesy, not an obligation on our part. We promise you a table, with chairs, plus a menu of delicious food, plus a polite and professional server to facilitate your dining experience. We don't promise that the orientation of the table will conform to your personal feng shui philosophy, and you don't have the right to impose that philosophy upon us.

Any thoughts? Please write them in the comments below! And if you enjoy this blog, why not sign up as a follower? That would be so validating!

The best conversation EVER!

Sometimes at a restaurant people will have the best conversation of their lives right when you are trying to take their order. You walk up to the table, seeing the menus are closed which normally indicates that people have made their decision. Presumably they would like to order some dinner, maybe a drink, who knows? They get nothing until they tell the server, so you are there to faithfully take their order.

But right when you walk up, the dude at seat two is in the middle of the best part of the greatest story ever told. He can't stop now, this is the most exciting part! So you stand there trying to seem neutral, not eavesdropping but not ignoring. This must be a great story! He's right in the middle of it, too! The other customers see you standing there, but this guy really has the gift of gab, and what a way with words!

Sometimes I will just turn and walk away at this point. Hey, if they are not so hungry that they will pause the story to order, then I will come back later when they feel like participating in the whole "food and drink" thing that we have going on here at the restaurant.

This phenomenon is not unlike that of the person who doesn't touch their water glass until you come up with a pitcher to refill it, and then they pick it up to sip it right when you were going to top it off. What's up with that? It's like they had been abstaining from drinking it out of fear that it wouldn't be refilled, but then when they see you coming with the pitcher they are greatly relieved, and incredibly thirsty all of sudden!

The quality of the conversation often seems directly proportional to how inconvenient the timing is. For example, when the restaurant is closing and all the other patrons have left. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes the BEST CONVERSATION OF YOUR LIFE! You can't leave, this is the greatest chat of all time! Let's not let this feeling end, we don't need food or drink, all we need is to sit here at this table all night and just talk and talk and talk.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes when you are a server you have to wait for people to finish talking before they order. We are "waiters," after all. But there is a point at which it seems reasonable to find a stopping point, to press the pause button, take care of your business, then resume the conversation when the server is not standing right there.

How interesting is it, really? I mean, I like talking to my friends too, but I can usually do that while simultaneously maintaining an awareness of my surroundings. You have to ask yourself, is this story as interesting as I think, or do I just love talking? Are my fellow diners hungry? Should we order?

As always, share your comments or thoughts or stories below....

More than 3 ladies?

I hate to write badly about women, since I am one....but there are some disturbing commonalities that arise when groups of more than three ladies decide to meet at a restaurant for "girl time". It usually involves one round of drinks, birthday wishes, abandoned wrapping paper, and always camping at table for at least an hour after they've last consumed food or beverage. That might not be so bad if they were nice and conscientious, but when they ignore their server, other parties request to be moved OUT of the server's section because of the noise, and they tip less than 15%, it is a disaster.

I knew as soon as I heard it was going to be 8 ladies, Sunday evening to celebrate a birthday at 9pm (no reservation, mind you...) I should add the gratuity onto the bill. But they seemed nice enough, even though they did not break from their relentless chatter to notice I was hovering to take a drink order. As soon as I walk away from the table, the ringleader stands up and waves at me. Okay, I'm ready for duty. They order drinks, more ladies arrive and the cycle of talking and then complaining "where are our drinks?" continue as they fail to stop talking long enough to order. FINALLY, everyone has drinks, and I try to move on to food. "Oh, we already ate...we might just get some appetizers to share." You already ate? Did you fail to realize this is a restaurant where we serve....SURPRISE!...Food. Oh well, I figure, maybe they'll make it up in drinks.

One of the ladies who arrived later also brought a cake in a box. I offer to move it off the table and they're all smiles and appreciative. I explain to the lady we do have a $2 per person plate charge, and she asks if they can just cut it themselves at the table. I explain that this is our policy when customer's bring in their own cake, just as we charge a corkage fee, when people bring in their own bottles of wine. She seemed disappointed, but accepted this.

So, they eventually order 2 appetizers. I eventually clear. The cake lady leaves without the cake. I ask the ringleader if they're ready for the cake now. She says yes. I put in candles, I light them and bring it out, they sing "Happy Birthday" to the gleeful birthday girl, she blows them out and they all clap and laugh. Meanwhile, a two-top has requested to move out of my section because the ladies are so loud.

I take the cake into the kitchen, divide it into 8 pieces and serve. They eat, talk, and sit some more. I clear cake plates and ask it they would like anything else. No, they say. Now would be the optimal time to have my manager add on the 18% gratuity we can add to parties of five or more. But, their bill is only $155 and I figure they'll treat me right. Never assume anything.

Of course it takes them forever to pass the bill book around and put in money or their credit cards. I offer to split the check for them and they shoo me away. Finally they're ready, there's cash to deduct and then three credit cards to split the remainder among, something I hate due to the cash people's tip being lost in this process (See 20percent posting "Put the rest on the card"). I ask if the cash includes gratuity, they say yes. I head over to the computer and hear mumblings and grumblings from the ladies....I walk back over...."If it would be easier for you I can add on an 18% gratuity?" I say. They say no, they can figure out the gratuity, but they were wondering about the plate charge fee. I explain that the restaurant charges a $2 per plate fee when customers bring in their own cake, just as we also charge for corkage. As they start to complain that no one told them I say "I did explain this to the lady who brought the cake; I'm sorry she did not let you know about it." And they make jokes how they're going to call her up and make her pay it. Ha, ha, ha...

So I run the cards deposit them at the table, and hope they leave somewhat soon as it's already close to 11pm. They eventually leave and my manager and another waiter help me bus the table. I count my tip...what this all comes down too. If they tip me 20% or more, it's somehow worth it...maybe not worth it, but I can stomach it alright. If it's less.......well.....

You already know it....it's less. They left me a $24 tip. If I had added the 18% gratuity on it would have been $29. So $5...big deal...right? I can say that now, but that night it made me feel so bad...so small...so insignificant. I know, I know, I shouldn't let it get to me...I'm probably too sensitive to be doing this type of work. But that's what also makes me a great waitress, which most people appreciate, and know how to convey their thankfulness by tipping at least 20%.

Is a restaurant still open after the kitchen has closed?

Recently a customer asked me, "What time do you guys close?"

We had in fact been closed for more than an hour at this point, which made it an awkward question to answer. I boldly forged ahead, remarking that it really poses the question, is a restaurant still open after the kitchen closes?

The kitchen has clearly posted hours. They are our hours of operation, and they are printed on both doors. However, the front of the house is in an awkward position in terms of trying to close a restaurant when two customers are still at their table and they are having the best conversation of their lives!

The kitchen produces food, which is at the center of what we do as a restaurant. Without that it's kind of like a shoe store being open but not having shoes to sell. You can come inside to get out of the rain, and you can even sit at a table and maybe get one more round out of the bartender. That's if your shoe store even has a bartender!

So here is the question: Does a restaurant turn into some kind of hang out lounge after the kitchen closes? The type of place where you can be the only customer but it's totally cool, they would be here anyway because they are still open?

Or is it closed?

If a place is closed, is it up to the customer to make that decision? Or do we have some authority as front of the house staff to kindly inform people that the place is closing and they will have to continue the greatest conversation ever somewhere else.

Don't these people know that a venue change can really spark up the conversation anyway?

As always, I crave your input so please leave your thoughts in the comments below.