maybe we should rename the blog 50 percent....

So I know this may seem slightly out of character, but recently a customer did something so right that it caught me off guard and I have to mention it. 

This was a table that I had been warned about.  Maybe it's just me, but when I know someone is trouble it can cause me to tense up just a little, and then miscommunications or hostility can ensue.  

So I felt I was potentially taking the highway to the danger zone.  

Well, these folks had all the classic symptoms.  They arrived two at a time for a party of four, and when I greeted the first people they did not require anything from me and had in fact brought their own wine.  They needed the specials repeated to them, they asked me my name, they ordered appetizers but waited to order entrees.  They put their menus on the neighboring table.  They asked for things when I was carrying hot food past them to another table.  It was somebody's birthday.

Through all this I was very nice to them, and while demanding they were not at all unkind to me.

Then, end of the meal, dude leaves a fifty percent tip.  So it just goes to show, sometimes when someone is extra demanding they understand that and actually reflect it in your compensation.

  

Really an affirmation of the human race, I would say. 

"How do you remember all that?"

Sometimes after I tell a table the specials, I get the following question:

"How do you remember all that?"

The customer is amazed that I can memorize a two to three line description for three or four different dishes.  

It's not that hard, people.  First of all, I am at work right now, so there is a certain level of concentration that can be taken for granted.  I am sure you are excellent at your job, too!  

Honestly, a monkey could do this!  Don't give me too much credit here, people!  

Essentially, memorizing the specials is part of my job, so I kind of have to do it.  So I guess the answer to how I do it is that I think about my mortgage and about how I like to eat food and have money, and then I do what people have been doing for generations in this post-industrial revolution economy.  I do what I have to do.  

I appreciate the fact that you are impressed and everything, but let's all just assume from this point forward that I am excellent at serving you dinner, and that excellence will shine in every aspect of your experience here tonight.  I didn't just walk in off the street, memorize the specials, and walk over to your table.  

As I have said before, you are in the hands of a professional, so relax and have a good time.

Oh, and leave a 20 percent tip, yo!

Tag and release

I'd like to propose a new program for uncooperative customers.  It's called tag and release.

Have you ever watched the nature shows, where they capture a polar bear, tranquilize it, weigh it, check its teeth, tag it and release it back into the wild so they can track its movements using a sensor in the tag?

That's the basic idea.  So the next time you have rude customer, just get your tranquilizer gun, knock 'em out, and clip a harmless plastic tag with a remote sensor to their his (or her) ear.  It doesn't harm them, but it allows as to gain some insight into their movements and habits.

My theory is that there are a relatively small number of annoying people, but they make their presence felt more than others because of their being so darn annoying.  Maybe they come have a drink with me, bum me out, walk down the block and eat dinner with someone else, ruining their evening, before having dessert at a third location where they make someone cry and then camp out all night.  Then they probably run a stop sign on the way home and give some other driver the finger.  

We will never know for sure until we are able to study these people, and track their movements.  What makes them tick?  Why do they have to tick us off?  Can they please tick somewhere else, like at home?

The tag doesn't harm them at all, you understand.  We are nothing if not humane.  But science requires subjects, and we can not shrink from our role to play in the advancement of human knowledge. 

If you have any suggestions that could make this dream a reality, please write them in the comments below.

Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times

  I would not recommend touching strangers.  This includes your server!  Now, a friendly pat on the back on the way out the door accompanied by a "Thanks we had a great time!" is fine from time to time.  At that point there is some rapport and a touch meant kindly can be a nice thing.

Of course a handshake is always appropriate.

But let me just say that a tug on the shirt or a grasp of the arm is not welcome, and can be downright dangerous depending on the paranoia/martial arts training of your server!  

Let's assume that I won't touch you, and you won't touch me, and I will be nice and bring you delicious food, and you will be nice and have a good time.  There's no need to get to know each other better, especially not via unsolicited physical contact.

I mean, you have to want more coffee pretty bad to grab my arm as I'm walking by carrying an armload of dishes from another table, right?  

Who are these people?  Is this how they treat their doctor?  Or their children's teacher?  

To reach out and touch someone in a demanding way is very rude, and it is behavior that should not be rewarded.  We all have to prioritize tasks on a busy night.  There might be a list of five things you need to do, and you've got them all in order of importance and grouped into tasks that can be combined or done at the same time.  Whatever that impatient customer wants, it is probably already on the list.  

Well, one tug on the shirt or arm grab should be all it takes to put that at the bottom of the list. 

If you have a good story about a touchy/grabby customer, please write about it in the comments below!!!!!

20 Percent has contributors!

I'd like to share some thoughts from some other contributors.  These stories were originally posted on the 20 percent facebook page, but I thought I would put them up here so everyone could enjoy them!

From my friend Denise:

Okay girls, lets talk about purses. Is it really neccesary to hang your 10lb purse on the back of your chair? You do realize that people have to walk past you carrying hot and cold items right? Is it such a crime to actually place your purse on the floor next to your chair? Not in the middle of the floor, not in the walk way that everyone has to use and not gaping open with handles 1 foot on either side waiting to cause an accident. Just neatly out of the way.

Okay, so you don't realize that you have made a faux paus. When it is knocked into you for the 10th time, please don't turn to the person and make a face, it's not their fault, it's yours, just remove it ok? Look around you. Pay attention, you might learn something

She goes on:

me: "what can I get for you?"
customer: "Do you have any egg white omelettes? I'm trying to go vegan"
Brunch, always a treat . . .

From my friend Justin:

 It was time to prepare a check for my last table of the night, a group of seven academic colleagues. They requested that I itemize the check seven ways. The restaurant closed an hour earlier and the computer system needed to be replaced. So I got their attention and explained,

"I can separate your checks individually, but our computer takes up to seven minutes to process just one credit card. Seven credit cards at seven minutes a-piece is forty-nine minutes. Forty-nine minutes will pass before all your payments are processed. If you have cash, it'll speed things up. Everybody understand?"

They all nodded. I presented the checks and retrieved them... All credit-card payments. I processed the first one and presented it seven minutes later. Another guest raised his arm and waved it as I went to wait for another to process, I turned and faced him.

He half-stood in a hurry and blurted, "Where's my credit card!?"

The average tip was around 12%... Jaded.

From my friend Sarah:

So last night my last table came in at 9:30pm. They hemmed and hawed about wine and then the lady wasn't happy with her well vodka martini (Lukasova...come on!?!!) "it has a funny taste to it". amazingly she didn't want to pay for an upgrade. well they ordered a salad and a spaghetti squash because it "looked exciting". They drew that out for at least an hour. They were cleared and paid up by 10:30pm at which time every one else in the restaurant was gone. I cleared some settings, took away a few candles...kept checking on them. They finally left at 11:20pm...tip: not 20%.

Thanks to all the contributors, look for more soon!!!!

"But I will need my fork for my entree!"

I am a professional.  That means you don't have to worry about whether you will have a fork by the time your entree arrives.  So when I clear your salad plate, and your fork is still on it, and I take the fork with me, please don't point out that you will need it to eat your entree.

I use forks to eat, too.  I know how useful they are.  I am not going to make you eat pasta with your hands and a butter knife.  Just as I will bring you a steak knife if you are eating steak, so I will provide you with every utensil you need to eat whatever it is you are eating.  

We have an entire restaurant's worth of forks!  I take your fork to the kitchen, where a professional dishwasher washes it and sanitizes it, then it rejoins the great ocean of forks that we keep on hand at all times.  Meanwhile, I will be bringing you a clean fork to eat your dinner with, and a clean knife if you have soiled the first one with butter or appetizer.  Now isn't that nice?  

So just relax, you are in good hands.  It is my job to provide you with cutlery, bread, your meal and a pleasant demeanor.  Your job is simple.  Eat your food, enjoy your company, and leave me a twenty percent tip!

"I'm just giving you a hard time."

Has anyone ever told you, "I'm just giving you a hard time"?  What is the deal with that?

First of all, I know you're giving me a hard time.  I know that the unreasonable requests you are making will not be met.  I know that this conversation is going nowhere, because frankly you are up against a brick wall here.

So when you tell me you are just giving me a hard time, is that supposed to soften the blow?  Is that supposed to be a nod and a wink along the lines of "we're all friends here"?  Because it's not working!

I know you're giving me a hard time!  And it's not fun or funny to me, because I have other things to do than stand here and bat around crazy notions about how you might run a restaurant if you owned/ran one.  

Why would you give me a hard time?  I'm nice, I work hard, I want you to be happy.  But you have to understand that we have policies which exist for a reason, and we can't (and won't!) just change them every time some pushy patron suggests we do so.  So please just skip the part where you give me a hard time, and get right to the part where you sit down, order drinks, appetizers, entrees and dessert, then tip the server twenty freaking percent!!!!