Table Heroes

Sometimes there is a guest at a table of diners who is determined to show everyone who is the most knowledgeable and experienced diner. We call this guy the "table hero," because sometimes he feels compelled to assert his greatness and intercede on behalf of his fellow diners.

Some of the traits that might distinguish this heroic character are:

An excessive confidence in and desire to share his knowledge of food and wine. This will be displayed through comments such as "Oh, they only have the '98 Shafer cabernet, too bad because I've had it and the '95 which is far superior!" Or they may inquire of the crabcakes, "Is that lump crab meat?" These questions and comments are as much for the benefit of the server who he is trying to dominate as they are for the guests he is trying to impress.

A tendency to interrupt is common as well. The server is halfway through the description of the duck special when the gentleman feels compelled to inquire, "Is the skin crispy?" This demonstrates his knowledge of properly cooked duck while simultaneously showing that he is uncouth and impatient and somewhat dubious about the chef's cooking skills. Of course the skin is crispy, this is a nice restaurant!

One of his worst attributes is his tendency to place himself in an adversarial relationship with the server, as if the server is trying to trick the guests into ordering something they won't like and it is up to him, the table hero, to prevent this. An excellent example is the guy who knows the restaurant well enough to know that the entrees are generously sized, and uses this information to stop others from ordering appetizers despite the server's suggestion that hungry guests might want to order something small to start with since those dishes are quick to prepare and give you something to eat while you wait. "Oh no," he might say, "Don't fall for that one, they bring you bread anyway." Thanks, dude!

This is the same guy who insists on asking if the chef/owner is there tonight, which is an obnoxious way of saying, "I know your boss." The thing is, I know my boss, too, and I know he thinks you are a tool!

The real table hero is the person who discretely approaches the server away from the table, hands him a credit card and says, "I am paying for the meal, thank you." Then he leaves a twenty percent tip. That's some heroic stuff right there.

Getting to second base at table 23...

This is a story told to me by a co-worker. I took notes so I could capture the details of a truly uncomfortable encounter. My apologies to JB if I leave out anything important.

They were the last couple of the evening, arriving at the restaurant late on a slow night. They were dutifully shown to a lovely table for two by the window. Before their server could make it over to greet them they changed to a different table, one for four with banquette seating so they could sit side by side.

Then they started making out! I mean, not just a peck and a giggle, we are talking hands moving around under the table, and full on french kissing. They got to at least second base before the server showed up with waters.

He waited patiently while they composed themselves, then began to describe the specials of the evening. The gentleman cut off his presentation, despite the lady's wish to hear the specials, and they ordered an appetizer then immediately went back to sucking face.

Somewhat chastened, the server turned and walked away to enter their order in the computer, but of course as he was walking away the gentleman yelled after him, "I'll take a coffee!"

The appetizer in hand, our hero returned to the table where this couple was still going at it like they were in a motel that rents by the half-hour. He couldn't even look at them as he set the plate down, that is how mortified he had become. They paused only long enough to order their entree. One burger to share! This is actually much cheaper than a motel room!

Let me pause for a moment to describe this couple. Early forties, academic types, he has an eyebrow piercing. The kind of people who are undoubtedly educated, but lack common sense, almost as if they are oblivious to their surroundings and therefore assume others are oblivious to their behavior.

They ate their appetizer plate while cheek to cheek, as if the sound of each other's mastication was somehow a turn on. It almost seemed like one was chewing the food and spitting it into the other's mouth, baby bird style. Mind you, the server could barely look at them because they were so completely inappropriate.

The capper is definitely after dinner, when the lady ordered a chocolate martini and then drank it while sitting in the guy's lap and basically giving him a lap dance. The only other table left at this point, walking past the couple while very deliberately keeping their eyes forward.

My friend who told me the story wondered who should be tipping who, as a show like that might cost you money in certain districts of Amsterdam or Bangkok.

Feet on furniture and other missteps....

The other night at the bar I had a gentleman put his feet up on a stool. I had served him a double when he first sat down, and he seemed genial enough, but I was beginning to wonder if he had actually been partying all evening before stopping in to visit with me. He had made a point of asking by name if the owner was working, always a power move that fails to impress me. The way I see it, if he really was friends with my boss, he wouldn't put his feet on the furniture.

I knew he planned to eat, so I attempted to take his order. He was torn between two menu items, one of which is fairly mundane, but delicious and inexpensive, the other is a more original and dare I say snazzy dish, which is always great and had been coming out particularly well that evening for whatever reason. Of course I wanted him to spend more money, but I honestly believe that if you come to the restaurant it is my job to serve you what I personally feel is the best food and drink we have that night, regardless of cost.

I said to him, "Well, it depends on whether you feel like you deserve the fancy dish tonight, or whether you think you are looking more for bang for your buck."

He informed me that he rejected the notion of anyone deserving anything and would have to decide based only on what he wanted.

I said, "Well for example I can tell you think you are pretty special because you have your feet up on the barstool!" I laughed and he laughed and he didn't move his feet. So I said:

"Don't worry, I will wipe that stool off for you after you leave so no one gets their pants dirty!"

Still not getting it, he made a comment about the fact that he had not polished his boots lately. I assured him they would not get any dirtier from being on our stools, which until recently had been very clean. He joked that he would spare me by not putting his feet on the bar, and I assured him that were he to do that I would ask him to leave. I then said point blank that in fact I would have to now ask him to kindly remove his feet from the furniture.

This dude ordered the fancy dish I was suggesting, and took his feet off the stool once my back was turned.

Later on he had spread back out all over the bar with his newspapers, which was not a problem really since we were on the slow side. He made a point of mentioning his own history within the restaurant industry as he observed that there didn't seem to be any customers inconvenienced by his taking up of extra space.

The only problem was, he had his feet up again, this time on a different stool! He asked me if that was okay, so I told him straight up that I thought I had made it clear that we preferred he not have his feet up.

He took his feet down a second time.

This was a guy who was out of the house while his wife hosted a book club, flying solo, perhaps trying to relive his younger reckless days when he put his feet up and told the Man to take a walk. The only problem is, he chose a NICE restaurant to stage his mini-rebellion. Had he gone to a legitimately dangerous bar where bad people did whatever they wanted in a consequence free environment, then probably no one would have said a word to him about his feet on the furniture. He would have just gotten shanked without any discussion.

The point is, who puts their feet up on a barstool? It's not an ottoman, it's not even that convenient or comfortable for your feet to rest on. Get serious, get over yourself and your so-called experience in the industry, and no I don't want your New York Times after you're done with it, because I read it online.

Then the dude leaves five on thirty-seven. I never forget a face, either.

Here's a classic example:

A man sits alone at a table for two. It is late, the place is near closing but not closed yet. He is waiting for his companion, who is late. He is on the phone when you approach him and place two glasses of water on the table.

"Can I get you anything else to drink?" you ask, ignoring the fact that he is on the phone.

He requests coffee and you retreat.

A couple of refills later his "friend" arrives, now only minutes before the kitchen will be closed for the evening so the hard working people can clean up and go home.

This second guy drinks white wine but wants ice cubes to put in it. What?

They order appetizers but still haven't decided what they want for entrees. Keep in mind that the first guy has been here for half an hour already! I mean, glance at the menu while you wait, for goodness sake!

Their appetizers arrive quickly, thankfully, and they order their second course. Surprise surprise, they're having appetizers for their entrees as well! That'll sure save them money!

When you bring their second course some time later, they tell you that while you were waiting in the kitchen for their hot food to be put in the window, they were flagging down the manager to suggest that you had "forgotten about them" and to ask for more bread.

When you bring the bread, you coolly assure them that you have never and will never forget about them, ever. They try to play it off like they weren't being punks.

They eat slowly, and much later when you ask if you can clear anything they ask for more bread. A third helping of bread! What?

Finally they are through with their second course, and you deftly clear all of their plates. As you are walking away, fairly burdened, you hear, "OH OH, I will have another glass of wine!"

You bring the wine and offer them dessert menus. The kitchen has been officially closed for a half hour but the staff is still there and dessert is still available. They decline the menus and barely break their conversation. You overhear something about Zarathustra. Impressive.

Okay, time goes by, time goes by, you refill waters, get another glass of wine, time goes by, then the guy with the white wine on the rocks says,

"You know what, I would like some dessert."

"Well, the kitchen has been closed for an hour, so...." is your lilting reply.

"Well is there anything left?" he asks, undaunted.

Really?

So you bring them menus and they order promptly.

When you bring the dessert, wine on the rocks guy asks for coffee, "If it's fresh."

It's eleven o'clock at night! How fresh does he think the coffee is?

You tell him honestly that it's probably not too fresh, but you could brew a fresh pot....

He takes you up on it.

WHAT? Who does that?

Coffee is brewed, coffee is served, time goes by. The place is otherwise empty, and has been for nearly an hour. Refills of coffee are served. Finally you dump the check on them a bit unceremoniously, though you do offer to split it if necessary. You run a card, bring the receipt for signature, and leave them in peace.

Time goes by, you are chatting with some co-workers who have been off work for half an hour at least. Finally the customers shuffle out, but not before joining each other in the lavatory. Doing drugs? Who can say.

Tip, 20%. Hard earned money, but it spends easy.

World's dumbest question at the host stand?

This is a story someone told me recently and it's so good I have to share it.

At a restaurant with a patio a couple has just come in the front door. They approach the host stand.

"Hi, table for two please," says the gentleman.

"Would you like to sit inside or outside?" is the host's pertinent inquiry.

"I dunno, is it hot outside?"

Host's reply, "I don't know, was it hot when you came in from outside two seconds ago?"

Hand gestures are for training animals

Let's talk for a moment about hand gestures. They are not appreciated.

If there is some information that needs to be conveyed, why not use the gift that separates us from the rest of the animals on earth, namely the ability to speak. And while you're at it, why not speak in complete sentences. And "please" and "thank you" are always a great way to get what you want.

Here are some examples of hand gestures which are common and extremely annoying.

One of my favorite is the person who walks up to the host stand with her hand outstretched and three fingers in the air. I think they are trying to tell me something about their party, but what could it be?

"Hi folks, how are you?" I ask. The person continues to hold up the hand, and then someone behind her does the same thing.

Are they waving? Is that why they have their hands up? What could they possibly be trying to say, and why not just say it with words: "Fine, thanks, we have three for dinner, please."

Another great gesture is the point to the drink glass. The server is at the table, perhaps filling waters or clearing some empty plate, when the gentleman in seat three points to his empty martini glass.

What could this mean? I think what he meant to do was actually say words which have meaning, like "I'll take another one of these, please."

Also the writing in the air gesture, to mean, "We'll take the check, please." Why not just speak, darn it?

I realize that some people gesture instead of talking because it seems expeditious. But part of the pleasure of a meal at a restaurant should be a sense of civilization and sophistication. By speaking one can show one's good breeding and genteel nature. Full sentences really show people you mean business, and being polite shows that you have a good nature.

Non-verbal communication is for animals. Speak!

Rearranging furniture is a definite no no!

Last night a group of three people decided they didn't like how their table was positioned, so instead of bringing their dissatisfaction to the attention of the staff, they decided to take matters into their own hands by moving their table. They literally picked up and moved the table!

This was wrong on many levels, as I will attempt to describe.

I guess the first thing is, when you are a guest at someone's house, you don't rearrange the furniture, do you? When you walk into a restaurant, you are a guest. One way to know this for sure is to consider the role of the host/hostess. The presence of a host implies the presence of a guest, which by process of elimination must be you, the customer. As a guest, you are entitled to a certain amount of deference to your preference, but also you are obligated to show some respect to the house.

We put that table there for a reason, and we kept that aisle clear for a reason. When you moved the table, you blocked the aisle, which created a traffic flow problem for servers with trays as well as customers trying to go to the washroom.

I mean, just thinking about it now gets me a bit irked. Who would move their table? What kind of person thinks the world revolves around them so much that they get to decide where the table goes? It is a gross misunderstanding of the concept of the customer always being right.

The customer is only always right about things he or she is buying. For example, say you order the crab cakes and you find them to be too oily. You won't get an argument, because they are your crab cakes and it is your taste buds that matter. The offending crab cakes will be removed, and you will have the option to order something else, or we will just take the entree off the bill and offer our apologies.

But you don't get to tell us you don't like the wall paint and expect us to change it for you. Don't like the decor? Well, thanks for your input, but don't expect an apology and we are not giving you a discount on your check for having to put up with the modern art on the walls. If it bothers you so much that you can't enjoy your meal, well, you will just have to find another restaurant, or perhaps open your own, and then you can design the interior to your exact wishes.

It's kind of the same thing with the table. If you don't like how the table is positioned, you can mention it, but the restaurant is not obliged to reposition it for you, because the arrangement of the tables and chairs is not on the menu. Your position as customer is not empowered to make a decision like that because there is no transactional relationship involving the table and chairs. You are not buying the furniture, so you don't get to rearrange it!

We will attempt to offer you another table if one is available, but that is a courtesy, not an obligation on our part. We promise you a table, with chairs, plus a menu of delicious food, plus a polite and professional server to facilitate your dining experience. We don't promise that the orientation of the table will conform to your personal feng shui philosophy, and you don't have the right to impose that philosophy upon us.

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